Help Me! Doctor Hazama!
by WOLFEDEN Studios
Summary: Yuuki Terumi has just graduated from Kagutsuchi Medical School, obtaining a P.H.D. and M.D.! He vows to help the citizens of Kagutsuchi with any problem that there is! Or does he...? These are the scripts to the show on YouTube! Please read and watch!
1. Episode 2: Assistants

**Hello all! Welcome to the world of Doctor Hazama, troll/medical practitioner extraordinaire!**

**This fanfiction series is comprised up the scripts that make up the YouTube show, Help Me! Doctor Hazama!, which I just started to put up! It's a show about Hazama's wish to change his troll-ish ways and become a man of charity and honor! But we all know better than that, right? Hazama's still the troll we all know and love, but now he's a certified P.H.D. and M.D.! He can also birth babies!**

**His main goal is to piss off as many people as he can in the Continuum Shift. He rents Litchi's medical clinic during the evening and "serves" the people of Kagutsuchi. In the first script (which I don't have unfortunately .), or episode, Hazama helped out Ragna the Bloodedge. Ragna didn't have any fangirls, despite the release of Continuum Shift 2, and felt very lonely and angry. Luckily for him, Hazama made a call to Jin Kisaragi, so the NOL officer could...cheer...the saddened Ragna up. I think we know how that ended ^_^**

**In this second episode, Hazama is exhausted from the all the hard work that he does! He needs some assistants to help him out! Just when he speaks his wish, Taokaka of the Kaka Clan and Lieutenant Noel Vermillion appear! How lucky is that? **

**So...what's ****gonna happen now? We'll see soon enough!**

**This is the script to that episode! You can watch the full thing, in classic BlazBlue Omake goodness, with full voice acting and animation, on YouTube! Just look up Daggertail100 (that's me ^_^) and you'll find two full episodes, plus two shorts! I really hope you enjoy these scripts and episodes! **

**Please Like and Subscribe if you want! **

**And thank you!**

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><p>Help Me! Doctor Hazama!<p>

Episode 2: Assistants

Hazama: [Walks on set and frowns] I _really_ have to get my own set! That panda lady's pissing me off! Now I have to buy her a new bed for the infirmary because Major Kisraragi "contaminated" it! Where am I supposed to get that kind of money? I'm a doctor, not Mr. Moneybags! Hmm…perhaps I should raise my services from a nickel to a dime? Yeah! That's it! 'Cause dimes are cool!

Still though…with all these patients that I'm getting, I'm getting pretty whipped! I really an assistant or something to help me out! Yeah! A really cute one too! Someone with a pure heart and sweet voice that melts a man's heart! Now that's what I need! But I have to go through all that garbage to get an assistant! I have to do interviews, put up fliers, everything! There's only so much that a troll-I mean medical practitioner can do! It's not like a cute assistant is just going to walk right in!

Tao: [Walks in] Hellooooooo! Boobie Lady? It's Tao! Tao came for some food!

Hazama: That wasn't what I was expecting…but I guess it could work…

Noel: [Walks right in] Hmm? Ms. Litchi has a customer today? I thought this was her day off!

Tao: Oh! It's the Green Guy! Hey, Lacking Lady! Go over and say "hi!"

Noel: Stop calling me THAT!

Hazama: Hahahaha! My, my, my! What have we here? Lieutenant Noel Vermillion! Looks like it's my lucky day! And…the catgirl...

Noel: Ah! Ca-Captain Hazama!

Tao: How are ya, Green Guy? Got any food lying around?

Hazama: What are two pretty young things like you girls doing in a place like this?

Noel: Um…er…well, I uh…I was just running an errand for Major Kisaragi when I came here.

Tao: Tao was helping her because Tao ran into the Lacking Lady! Tao wanted food so we stopped by to see if Boobie Lady had some!

Noel: [Still angry about the Lacking Lady comment] Is Ms. Litchi in by any chance?

Hazama: The woman with the panda? No, I'm afraid not! I take over the shop for her during this time frame!

Noel: Time frame? What do you mean, Captain?

Hazama: That's just it! I'm not a captain anymore! I am Doctor Hazama, a certified P.H.D. and M.D.! I help people with just about any problem that there is!

Noel: You…you're a doctor?

Hazama: That's right! Why, just the other day I cured Major Kisaragi from a very serious illness!

Noel: What illness is that?

Hazama: Lack of Brother Syndrome! Or L.O.B.S. for short!

Tao: LOBS? Is that yummy? It sounds deeeeelicious!

Noel: Lack of Brother Syndrome? I've never heard of that!

Hazama: It's a very rare illness, but it's treatable! It occurs mostly around certain siblings. Major Kisaragi was suffering from said illness until I told him to go after his dear old brother and 'bond' with him! Needless to say, the treatment worked wonders for him!

Tao: [Happy] So you helped Creepy Guy bond with Good Guy? That's so nice of you, Scary Person! Tao guesses that you're not that scary anymore! What should Tao call you now? Oh! Tao will call you Doctor Guy!

Hazama: Yeah…sure…

Noel: What else do you do Cap-I mean, Doctor Hazama?

Hazama: I do marriage counseling, psychoanalysis, and I can birth babies!

Noel: [Excited] You give birth to babies? That's so cool! How do you do that?

Hazama: …We're talking about the medical procedure now, right? Because I can't actually birth babies…that's…anatomically impossible for me…

Noel: [Disappointed] Oh…so that's what you meant…

Hazama: Er…anyway, I do lots and lots of medical stuff. So yeah, that's pretty much it!

Noel: Can-Can you take care of animals too? Could you also be a veterinarian?

Hazama: Um…well, yeah! I can! I am a doctor after all!

Noel: [Googily eyed and excited] S-So you take care of little ki-kitties, and puppies, and ducklings, and pa-pa-pa-pandas…?

Hazama: Uh…yeah…let's go with that…

Noel: That's so cool! I had no idea you did all those nice things for people and animals!

Hazama: All in a day's work…I suppose…

Noel: [Envious] I wish I had a cool job like that…my job has been getting worse lately.

Hazama: [Evilly] I see…hmm…this seems like a good opportunity…heehahaha…

Noel: Did you say something?

Hazama: Nope! Hey, Lieutenant Vermillion! How about you be my patient? I think I might be able to help you!

Noel: You-You want to…help me? But I don't have any money for the co-pay. What about you, Tao? Do you have any money?

Tao: Huh? Money? Is that just like LOBS? Is that yummy too?

Noel: [Sighs] I guess that's it then…

Hazama: Don't worry about the bill! It's on the house! Now, have a seat and tell me that's on that pretty little head!

Noel: Um…sure. I think I can trust you, since you're a certified doctor!

Hazama: Yeah…isn't it great to trust people? Hahaha.

Tao: What can Tao do? What can Tao do? Can Tao be a doctor too, Doctor Guy?

Hazama: Why don't you go in the back? I think the panda woman has some food back there!

Tao: Reeeeeeally? Oh boy! Tao's gonna fill her belly up right now! [Runs off]

[Hazama and Noel sit down at a table]

Hazama: What seems to be the problem, Lieutenant?

Noel: You can call me Noel if you want to, I won't mind. Well…things haven't been going great at all for me…

Hazama: Is that so?

Noel: Yes. All of my friends make fun of me for it. Tao does it all the time. She and my other friends always points out my flaws…

Hazama: What flaw is that?

Noel: Even Makoto points it out too! She's a prime example of what I want! Hers…they're so…compared to mine… [Teary eyed] and even Tao…she's…so much bigger and…

Hazama: Er…I'm afraid I'm not following…

Noel: This is…really embarrassing…but Doctor? Do you think you could help me? I'm very…erm…lacking.

Hazama: …..What now?

Noel: I'm always teased because of this! Is there something wrong with me?

Hazama: [Sweat drop] Hmm…so…this is your grave problem?

Noel: Yeah…could you help me?

Hazama: Well…I do happen to know a few techniques that can fix that, thanks to my special enhancement seminars. I have a pamphlet you may be interested in! [Hands the pamphlet] It tells you all you need to do to solve your problem!

Noel: [Blushes as she reads it] Wha-wha-wha-wha-what? I have to do…that? Are you serious?

Hazama: That is one way…and it's proven to be very effective! [Excited] I can actually do that for you in the back if you want!

Noel: Uh…I think I'll pass for now…

Hazama: Awww….dammit…!

Noel: There's also something else that's bothering me, Doctor. I…I don't think I like my job very much…at least…not anymore.

Hazama: How come?

Noel: [Sadly] My boss…he's very cruel and abusive to me.

Hazama: Really?

Noel: Mmhmm. Nothing I do ever seems to be right for him! I replay everything I say or do when I'm around him, but I can't understand why he hates me so much! I never did anything wrong to him! I think…

Hazama: Wow, what an ass!

Noel: He's always mean to me! How can someone be that cold?

Hazama: Hmm. Your boss…who is he?

Noel: Ma-Major Kisaragi…

Hazama: Oh, that guy! Jeez! I cure him and he celebrates by yelling at you! [Scheming] That's not very nice!

Noel: …I think I may quit…

Hazama: I can't see anybody quitting the NOL like that, but if you must then you must I guess!

Noel: But…I won't have a job if I quit! What'll I do for money?

Hazama: Hmm…that is a good point. Hey! Why don't you come and work for me?

Noel: [Shocked] Huh? Work for you?

Hazama: Yep! Wouldn't you like to help people? Wouldn't you like to make a difference in their lives? I can offer you a good salary along with a healthy and safe working environment!

Noel: How much is the salary?

Hazama: A quarter.

Noel: Wow! That's more than I make in a year! But…I'm still not quite sure…

Hazama: [Sings] You can help save the pandas!

Noel: [Confident] I'll do it! I'll become the greatest veterinarian the world has ever seen! I'll take care of all the kitties, the puppies! And the pandas! I'll do it for the pandas!

Hazama: Very good! Heehahaha!

Tao: [Rushes back in] Can Tao help too? Tao wants to help!

Hazama: Is that so…? [Aside] Wow, two birds with one stone! This IS my lucky day! Hehehehe!

Noel: [Determined] When can we start, Doctor Hazama?

Hazama: Right now actually! We just have to get you two into uniform!

Noel: Uniform? What's wrong with the clothes we're wearing now?

Hazama: You'll want to look great for the pandas, don't you? I think I have just the outfit that will suit you perfectly!

[Fade out and then back in with Noel in a maid's outfit]

Noel: Um…this doesn't seem right…

Tao: Wow! Lacking Lady, you're so cute! Tao approves!

Noel: You really think so, Tao?

Tao: Uh-huh! It compliments Lacking Lady's flat chest!

Noel: [Whimper]

Tao: Don't worry, Hat Person! Tao knows exactly what to do! Tao will just give you one of those massages!

Noel: What? How did you…? How did you know about that?

Tao: Tao read it in Green Guy's paper thingy!

Hazama: You can read that? Gotta say, I'm impressed! I didn't think a…thing of your caliber would be able to read anything at all.

Tao: Tao is very smart! Tao's very cultured!

Hazama: Oh yeah? Then what's the proper technique for the massage?

Tao: That's easy! [Stalks Noel] C'mere, Lacking Lady! Tao's gonna put a smile on that face!

Noel: Eh? Tao! Stop that!

Tao: Lemme at them! Lemme at them! Tao's gonna make them as big as Boobie Lady's meat buns! They'll be bigger than your head!

Noel: This…this doesn't seem right at all!

Hazama: Ohohoho yes it does!

Jin: What the hell is going on in there? [Enters the clinic] Noel…Vermillion…

Noel: [Worried] Ah! Major Kisaragi!

Tao: Huh? Why's Creepy Guy here? Does he want to help grow some meat buns too?

Jin: What are you doing here? I thought you were supposed to return to headquarters after you delivered that love let-I mean birthday card to Brother! And why on earth are you wearing that ridiculous outfit?

Noel: It's my new uniform…

Jin: Uniform? What are you saying?

Noel: Major Kisaragi…I-I…I…I'm not going to be your assistant anymore!

Jin: …What?

Tao: Tao and Hat Person are going to be vetera…vetera…um…veta...! We're gonna be doctors with Green Guy!

Jin: Shut up, you filth!

Lieutenant Vermillion, just what exactly are you implying?

Noel: [Quiet at first due to nervousness, but soon raises her voice] I'm sick of the way you treat me! I've had enough of being called stupid! I've had it with your constant abuse and all the stupid orders you give me! Do you know how embarrassing it was to carry a love letter all across Kagutsuchi to Ragna the Bloodedge? It was demeaning! The stuff you said in it was really creepy! How could you play a game of Horseshoes with that **thing** you enclosed!

Tao: Tao would love to see that! Tao wants to play Horeshoes too!

Jin: Uh…well…

Noel: That's not all! I hate doing your laundry, writing your fan letters, and cleaning your office! Do you know how awkward it is to scrub the floors and your desk next to that computer! What do you watch on that thing anyway? The screensaver is so…so…ugh!

Hazama: Now I know why the Major's office gets so dirty! Hahaha!

Noel: I'm sick of being called stupid! Especially by a moron LIKE YOU! [Pants from yelling]

Jin: …

Hazama: Girl's got a fire in her, eh, Major?

Jin: I'm sorry, Doctor Hazama. I should keep a close watch over my underlings.

Noel: I am not an underling!

Jin: Ha! That's all you are, you idiot! Now stop this foolishness and get back to headquarters this instant! I want the bathroom in my office scrubbed nice and clean! I want it to shine as much as Brother's dazzling face!

Hazama: Oh I bet it needs to be cleaned after you were done with it! Hehehehe!

Noel: No! I'm going to be a vet with Doctor Hazama! We're going to save the pandas!

Tao: Right! Tao's gonna save all the woodly animals! Not squigglies, 'cause I hate squigglies!

Jin: …What?

Hazama: Hahaha! Nicely said, Lieutenant Vermillion and…cat thing!

Jin: Doctor…don't tell me you're the one who put these silly thoughts into their heads…

Hazama: Guilty as charged! I'm a nice guy, Major! I can't bear to watch such a good person like Noel be abused any longer! I'm doing my civic duty!

Jin: I see…so you're the one behind this desertion. So be it. I respect you as the man who brought me closer…very closer to Brother, but I suppose I'll have to show you what happens to those that think they can get away from humiliating me! I wanted to be your ally, Doctor, but that time has passed! You will pay for this transgression! Yukianesa!

[A large block of ice covers Hazama]

Noel: Ah! Doctor Hazama!

Tao: Brrrr! Tao's so cold! Tao will be a popsicle if Ice Man keeps this up! Oooooh, popsicles! Tao's hungry now!

Noel: Tao! Stop it!

Jin: Hahahaha! FREEZE! Feel the wrath of my power, Doctor! This is what happens when you cross me!

Hazama: Hehehehehe…hahahahaha. Hahahahahahaha!

Jin: …What?

Hazama: Is that all you have to say? Really? Seriously? You just made a big mistake, Major! You forget the very person who you're attacking! You see, little Ms. Noel Vermillion is under **my** employment now! She no longer works for you! U mad, bro? Hahahahaha!

Jin: …!

Hazama: Now, let me show you what true power is, boy!

[Powers up]

Restriction 666 released! Dimensional interference force field deployed! Lemme guess: this is the time when you're gonna say "What?" again, right?

Jin: …Wha-argh!

Hazama: Hahahahahaha! Code S.O.L.! 'Azure Grimoire' activate!

Tao: Wow! That's just like Good Guy's! How'd you do that Doctor Guy? Tao wants to do that too!

Hazama: You hero archetypes are all the same! You talk a load of shit and say stuff like "What power!" "How is this possible?" "He can't do that!" and my personal favorite, "You're already dead!"

Hazama and Jin: …What?

Jin: …!

Hazama: Hehahahahahahaha! See! This is why you can't beat me, Kisaragi! Go crawl to your brother! Now, in the name of Susano'o! I command you…Nox Nyctores… Ouroboro-

Tao: [Runs up to Jin and knocks him flat out]

Jin: Yaargh! [Flies off stage]

Hazama: Wha? [Powers down]

Tao: Tao wins! KNOCKOUT! What does Tao get now? Does Tao Level Up? Did Tao beat the game?

Noel: Tao! That was incredible! How'd you do that with a single punch?

Tao: Tao's the best vigilante that ever lived! Tao's the strongest of them all!

Hazama: Awww…I wanted to do an Astral Finish…do you how hard it is to input that command? I have to jiggle the thing around just to do it! It's especially difficult on the 3DS' directional pad! I was just about to do it too!

Tao: Use the circle pad thingamajagger! Tao uses that whenever she fights!

Noel: But…you can't use the circle pad on the 3DS version!

Tao: That's why Tao is the best! Tao beat the system!

Hazama: …Yeah…well…I still wanted to do it…

Tao: Cheer up, Doctor Guy! [Slaps his back] Now! [Looks to Noel] Let Tao get back to cooking those meat buns!

Noel: Stop it, Tao! Get off me!

Tao: C'mon, Lacking Lady! Tao's gonna make you the Abundant Lady!

Noel: [Cries out in fear and runs away]

Tao: Get back here! Tao needs to experi…expera…oh forget it! [Chases after her]

Hazama: Well…that was weird. At least Major Jin Kisaragi won't be around for a while! I think good ol' Ragna is gonna be happy about that! I also got some new assistants out of the deal too! They seem to be happy under my employment! Well, that just about wraps this up I guess!

Voice: [From outside the clinic] Excuse me, Ms. Litchi? It's Tager from Sector Seven! I require your assistance!

Hazama: [Evilly] Then again…maybe not…!

To Be Continued


	2. Episode 3: Satisfaction

**The script to episode 3! This episode is almost done! It's in its final stages of animation and such! It'll be up on YouTube soon! Check ****Daggertail100 ****every now and then to see if it's there! **

**Thank you!**

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><p>Help Me! Doctor Hazama!<p>

Episode 3: "Satisfaction"

Opening Short

Jin: [In a seductive, low-tone voice] Your eyes are two enchanting gemstones. One for the fire in your soul, and one for the beauty in your heart. Your hair is like winter snow, soft and pure. Your muscular arms wrap around me in a tender embrace. [Sigh] How I love them so! I would never want anything to tear me away from your loving touch.

Your chest is firm. It is my comfort after a long and tiring eternity from being away from you for so long. It is like my pillow…

[Sighs] Oh…Brother…!

N.O.L Officer: [Opens the door to Jin's office] Major Kisaragi!

Jin: [Screams in fear] WHAT?

N.O.L Officer: You're needed on the training grounds, sir!

Jin: KNOCK ON MY DOOR! KNOCK NEXT TIME!

N.O.L Officer: Yes sir!

Jin: [Worryingly, but still shouting] …Did you see anything?

N.O.L Officer: No sir! I didn't see you writing your yaoi fanfic again!

Jin: GOOD!

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><p>*Opening Theme*<p>

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><p>Tager: Ms. Litchi? Are you there?<p>

Hazama: Yeah, just come right on in!

[Tager enters]

Tager: Hmm? You're not Ms. Litchi. What are you doing in her clinic?

Hazama: I run the place during the evening! Pretty cool, huh?

Tager: ...You are...Hazama, correct? From the Novus Orbis Librarium Intelligence Department?

Hazama: Used to! I'm a doctor now!

Tager: A doctor you say...? So you are...Ms. Litchi's assistant then?

Hazama: [Mischievous] Yeaaaaaaah, something like that! Hahaha...

Tager: She never told me she had an assistant!

Hazama: [Sings] Well she does!

Tager: I wonder why she never said anything about that...

Hazama: Well now that you're here, can I help you?

Tager: ...I'm not quite sure...

Hazama: I'm a certified P.H.D. And M.D.! I can help you with just about any problem that there is!

Tager: So you can do anything? Hmmmm. Could you birth babies too?

Hazama: Why, yes I can! I'm a master birther!

Tager: Interesting...

Hazama: So is there anything on your mind, Mister...?

Tager: Tager. I'm a scientist from Sector Seven working with Professor Kokono...ah...er.

Hazama: Hmm? Is something the matter?

Tager: Ah...no...I uh...it's nothing, please forget it.

Hazama: It doesn't sound like nothing to me! Does Mr. Tager have a problem with his partner in science?

Tager: ...She's...[Sigh]...she's not just my partner. She's...she's my wife...

Hazama: Oh? Congratulations!

Tager: Normally I would accept such good wishes with joy, but I'm afraid that the happy times have come to a close.

Hazama: The honeymoon's over, huh?

Tager: In lack of better terms: oh yeah.

Hazama: Would you like to talk about it? Maybe get it off your chest? I'm very good at marital problems you know!

Tager: Hmm...I'm sorry to say, but my finances are rather tight after Kokonoe...kicked me out.

Hazama: Do you have a nickel?

Tager: I have a dime.

Hazama: Excellent!

[Hazama sits down in his chair while Tager stands near the set of chairs]

Hazama: So what's up with the old cat anyway? She still tinkering around?

Tager: Yes. She gets her usual grants and awards, so she's very successful. We were married just a year ago and I've been helping her with work ever since.

Hazama: What do you do for her?

Tager: [Unhappily] I do just about everything! She makes me do state-level tasks like they're simple errands!

Hazama: What does she make you do?

Tager: She makes me talk to her colleagues, answer her email, talk to the president and military officials, take her trash, buy her ingredients for her special candy, and...[shudders] she makes me clean her litter box...

Hazama: ...Kokonoe has a litter box?

Tager: She also coughs up hairballs whenever I try to kiss her! It's really disgusting!

Hazama: ...That's uh...pretty nasty...

Tager: I love her to death...but she demands too much from me! I'm just a man!

Hazama: ...Barely...

Tager: [Sighs] Still...even so...I guess this whole fight we've been having isn't entirely her fault.

Hazama: Why is your fault?

Tager: ...I pay too much attention to my work than I do to her.

Hazama: Ouch! I kinda feel a little bad for her!

Tager: Yeah...it's my fault too. I've been focusing on science than my own wife. But...but...it's science! Science!

Science is still a part of my heart! I love test tubes, and vials, and beakers, and measurements, and readings, and hypotheses! But my one and true love is the power of Magnetism! It's so alluring with its mystery!

I've longed to learn just how those confounded things function! My father studied all of his life and could never understand the secrets of magnets!

Condemn me if you will, but I just cannot give up MAGNETISM!

Hazama: ...Uh huuuuuuuuuuuuuh...

Tager: I love Magnetism...but I love Kokonoe too...! I just...I'm so conflicted! I don't know what to do!

Hazama: Hmmmm...quite a quandary you're in!

Tager: Yes...is there anything you could do to help me, Doctor?

Hazama: I think I might have just the thing! But first, I need to make a phone call! Excuse me for a minute!

[Hazama walks offscreen]

Tager: Oh...Kokonoe...will you ever take me back? I didn't mean to anger you! I thought that since we were both scientists, you'd understand my love for all things scientific! But...perhaps I forgot to be with you...my lovely feline spouse...!

If I don't get back together with you, how can I carry on my legacy? How am I supposed to have a Little Tager by my side if I don't have you with me, Kokonoe? Little Tager...ah...that would be something! We could study MAGNETISM together!

Hazama: Sorry about the wait! So I think I know what you're problem is, Tager!

Tager: Oh good! Do tell!

Hazama: You see, I've known that cat a lot longer than you'd think! We're sort of...like buddies! Hehehehe! I know what really tugs at her whiskers!

Tager: And that is...?

Hazama: She's a lady! She needs attention and affection! I mean, she's locked up in that laboratory for hours and hours on end with no interaction whatsoever! She needs her man!

Tager: ...You're sure about that?

Hazama: I'm as sure as the day is long! Haha!

Tager: ...Yeah...very silly analogy, but okay. But...Kokonoe and I agreed that we shouldn't let things like love distract us from our work! We're always very busy!

Hazama: Again, she's your wife! She says one thing but she really means the opposite!

Tager: Really? I never knew!

Hazama: Trust me, I speak "Wife!"

Tager: Kokonoe...I had no idea. Dr. Hazama! I should go to her right now and win her back! I need to run to her! I'll be attracted to her like a MAGNET!

Hazama: Why waste all that time running to her like in one of those stupid romance movies? I'm sure Kokonoe is gonna know how you really feel about her soon enough!

Tager: What...?

Kokonoe: [Barges in] Tager! Oh, Tager!

Hazama: Right on time!

Tager: K-Kokonoe! What're you doing here? I thought you were in the lab back at Sector Seven!

Kokonoe: Dr. Hazama called me! I rushed over here as soon as I could! I **really** wanted see you!

Tager: Wha-? Doctor?

Hazama: Hehe! That call I made a few minutes ago was to Kokonoe! I thought that we could all have a counseling session right here and now!

Tager: *Tear eyed* Doctor...!

Kokonoe: Taaaaaaaaaaaager... [Moves closer to Tager] I'm sorry I was soooooooo mean to you! I was just so frustrated! I wanted to be with you and you were too busy with those inventions of yours! I wanted to cuddle with you so much!

Tager: I'm sorry, dear! It's just...magnetism is my...!

Kokonoe: [Seductive purr]

Tager: ...?

Kokonoe: Whaddya say we go work on a science experiment right now to make up for lost time...? I really could use **your** help...!

Tager: ...What are you saying...?

Kokonoe: How good is your knowledge of magnetism, Tager...? Do you think we could...connect?

Tager: [Blush] Ah! Well... I uh...hahaha...um...!

Kokonoe: Show me how you implement your scientific method, Tager! You better hurry...I don't like waiting...!

Tager: Dr. Hazama! I demand an operation table of some sort! I have work to do!

Hazama: There's one in that room over there!

Tager: Right! [Picks up Kokonoe] Come my dear! SCIENCE AWAITS!

Kokonoe: Ohhhhhhhhhh, Tager!

[They go off screen]

Hazama: Another satisfied customer! Hehehehehe...hahahahahahaha...! Damn, I'm good!

Kokonoe: [Bursts through the front door. Yells angrily] Tager! Where the hell are you, Tager?

Hazama: Why, Kokonoe! What a pleasant surprise! What brings you to my lovely establishment?

Kokonoe: I don't have time for your shit today, Terumi! Where's Tager! I know he came this way! The tracer device I put on him led me to this location!

Hazama: Tager? That guy with the ginormous hands? I'm afraid I haven't see him lately!

Kokonoe: Don't lie to me, Terumi! I know Tager's here! What the hell is he doing?

Hazama: What ever could you mean? I wouldn't do anything bad to anybody! You know that!

Kokonoe: Ugh! Forget you! Tager! Tager, you better come out here right now! [Walks offscreen to where the other Kokonoe and Tager is] OH MY GOD!

[The three come out. The fake Kokonoe is smiling while Tager is in a maid's outfit]

Kokonoe: [Dismayed while trying to hold in her rage] Tager...explain yourself...

Tager: [Looks at both of the Kokonoes] Oh my...!

Kokonoe: [Growls]

Tager: Two Kokonoes? By Aristotle! TWICE THE FUN!

Kokonoe: Shut up! What the hell were you doing in there, Tager? Ho-How could you?

Tager: What do you mean? Isn't this what you wanted?

Kokonoe: What I wanted? I kick you out because you were talking too much about yer damn magnets and science all the time, and now you're cheating on me? You're horrible!

Tager: B-B-But! This is you isn't it?

Kokonoe: Trust me, Tager, if it was me, **you'd **know it!

Tager: ...By Da Vinci's ghost...you're right! You always do that thing with that curling iron and-!

Kokonoe: Too much information!

Tager: But...if you're not this Kokonoe...then...who is this person?

Fake Kokonoe: Hehehehehehe!

[The fake Kokonoe turns into Arakune. Arakune is wearing a wedding veil]

Tager: A-Arakune?

Kokonoe: You gotta be...!

Hazama: Heeheehee!

Arakune: Ta ger...you m ade e the ppiest an in the orld! Will ou arry e?

Tager: E-Excuse me?

Arakune: I ve ou, ger!

Tager: Oh God! What have I done to deserve this?

Kokonoe: That's it! Arakune, you're dead! And Tager...[menacingly] you're gonna get every single one of your holes filled with my special candy! You BASTARD!

Tager: N-No! Not the candy! Not the candyyyyyyyyyy!

[Tager runs out of the building]

Arakune: Ome ack, ba by! [Runs after him]

Kokonoe: Get back here! You're both dead, you hear me?

[Kokonoe runs out if the building after them]

Hazama: Hahahahahahaha...! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! God, I love being a troll!

Litchi: [Comes in] Dr. Hazama? What was all that commotion just now?

Hazama: [Coughs and composes himself] Oh, Ms. Litchi! You are truly a sight for sore eyes! I just had a group of rapscallions come in here and they started to-!

Litchi: Don't give me any of that, Doctor! What happened in here? Tell me the truth right now! [Sniffs] And what smells like burnt rubber and Old Spice?

Hazama: Oh...that...well there's a funny story to that actually!

Litchi: [Follows the scent to the infirmary where Tager and Arakune were] MOTHER OF...? What the hell did you do to my infirmary?

Hazama: Hahahahahahaha! I love this job!

* * *

><p>*Credits*<p> 


	3. Episode 4: Friendship is Magic

**Hey to all those who enjoy Help Me! Doctor Hazama! Do I have some news for you!**

**Have you liked what you've seen in the YouTube show so far? Are you looking forward to the next episodes or short minisodes? If you enjoy the show, I'm thrilled! However, watching it is one thing…but how about being able to help in an episode? Or maybe become a permanent part of the Doctor Hazama crew? Wouldn't that be cool? ^_~**

**We are now excepting voice auditions for BlazBlue characters that will eventually show up in HMDH! If you would like to audition for any of the characters below, feel free to email me! The email address can be found on my HMDH blog, or on my fanfiction profile!**

**If anyone is interested, please pick the character(s) you'd like to try out for, record your voice performance and send it to that address. You can say any line that you want from the games, or you can make up your own! It doesn't matter! All I ask is that you give it your best shot!**

**The open roles for Help Me! Doctor Hazama! are…**

**Tsubaki Yayoi**

**Rachel Alucard**

**Makoto Nanaya**

**Bang Shishigami**

**Valkenhyn R. Hellsing**

**Iron Tager**

**Jubei**

**More to be announced later!**

**I'm planning to close this first batch of auditions sometime in October, so get your stuff to me as quick as you can! There will be more characters to try out for somewhere down the line, so keep checking Daggertail100 on YouTube or the offical HMDH blog for details! Thank you and I hope you enjoy the script to this next episode! And I hope you will enjoy this when it is fully animated and voiced!**

* * *

><p>Help Me! Doctor Hazama!<p>

Episode 4: Friendship is Magic

Hazama: [At his desk, frowning] Where are they? They should have been here hours ago! Where in the world are they?

Noel: [Walks in wearing her normal N.O.L. uniform] Dr. Hazama?

Hazama: [Gasps happily] Nurse Vermillion!

Noel: Um, were you expecting some-

Hazama: And why aren't you in uniform?

Noel: [Sighs unhappily. Walks offscreen. Walks back on in her maid's outfit]

Hazama: Much better! See? You look much more beautiful in that dress!

Noel: …Doctor? Is this really necessary? I don't think this is appropriate attire for a nurse. Shouldn't I be wearing scrubs?

Hazama: Scrubs?

Noel: You know, the uniforms that nurses and doctors where?

Hazama: …What the hell are you talking about?

Noel: [Sighs again] Never mind…

Hazama: Nurse Vermillion! Could you do me a solid and check the answering machine?

Noel: But…Doctor…it's right next to you…

Hazama: And your point is…?

Noel: Alright…fine…

[She clicks it on]

_Hazama's Recording: Hello my lost lambs! I am Doctor Hazama P.H.D. and M.D.! I can help you with just about any problem that there is! If you're calling to make an appointment, press 1! If you're calling to calling to borrow money, press 2! If you're all out of alcohol on Sunday, press 3! If you're calling to find the nearest pee spot in your area, press 4! If you need me to birth a baby, press 5! If you woke up with a pair of hairy ****s on your forehead, press 6!_

[After a minute of silence, Noel clicks the machine off]

Noel: No new messages, Doctor!

Hazama: I don't get it! I should be getting patients at this hour! I always do! I had plenty of business for a while, and now I'm not getting anybody! I use to have people flooding into this clinic in search of my help!

Noel: Actually they were all here for Ms. Litchi!

Hazama: Oh, poppycock! They weren't here for her! They were only here for those mammoth gonzo boobs of hers!

Noel: Even the female patients?

Hazama: I'm pretty sure! Heck, last week I caught that cat girl pouncing on her for the very same reason! It was creepy…yet kind of alluring…

Noel: [Takes a few steps back] Yeah, that's not weird, Doctor…

Hazama: Ah! Well, anyway, I should be getting patients! I don't understand why nobody is coming! I mean, I'm a very popular guy! I do lots of honest work! I help people!

Noel: You kicked an old lady off of a cliff!

Hazama: Hey, she was hounding me for a refund! I never met the old bat before in my life! She said I promised to look for her lost cat when I never did! I did what any upstanding citizen would do!

Noel: What about Ragna the Bloodedge? You didn't exactly help him either!

Hazama: I gave him a fan! And it happened to be in the form of Major Kisaragi's pe-!

Noel: And what about Mr. Tager! You made him cheat on his wife with that blobby thing! I still have nightmares from that story!

Hazama: Okay, okay! So I have a little fun here and there, and so what if I like to pull pranks on people? That doesn't make me a bad guy, right?

Noel: We-Well…

Hazama: C'mon, Little Miss Noel! It was all in good fun!

Noel: [Suspicious] All in good fun?

Hazama: You know me better than that! I'd never damage a person's dignity intentionally!

Noel: Doctor, with all due respect, I'm not sure if I can believe that…

Hazama: How's about I give you the rest of the day off? I hear the zoo is still open! They just got that new family of pandas! Would that make you feel any better?

Noel: [Excited and speaks loudly] I believe you Dr. Hazama! You're a great doctor! You'd never hurt anybody mentally, physically, or emotionally! You're a good person!

Hazama: Yeaaaaaaah…that's what I keep telling myself!

Noel: I'll be back later, Doctor! And thank you so much! [Turns to the door] I'M COMING MR. PANDA!

[Noel runs out the door]

Tao: [Scurries in] Where did the Lacking Lady go?

Hazama: She went to steal a couple of pandas from the zoo. The usual.

Tao: Ohhhhhh, Tao understands! [Comes over to Hazama] So whaddya wanna do today, Doctor Guy?

Hazama: Hmm? What do I wanna do?

Tao: Oooh! Tao has an idea! Let's get some food! Tao's hungry!

Hazama: Haven't you had enough for one day? You scarfed down that whole piece of mutton like it was candy!

Tao: [Angrily] Tao will tell you when she's had enough! Tao wants food! Gimme food, I'm hungry!

Hazama: Dammit! Get off my leg!

Tao: Food! Food! Fooooood!

Hazama: Okay, okay! Yeesh! We'll get you some food! Just get off me!

Tao: [Happily] YAY!

Hazama: Damn…now I know how good ol' Ragna feels…having to put up with this vermin and all! Well…at least it's just her today. If I had to put up with somebody else, say, oh I dunno…Major Kisaragi again, then that would suck!

Hakumen: [From outside] TERUMI!

Hazama: Right on cue!

Hakumen: [Steps in] Terumi! I found you!

Tao: Hey, it's Masked Person! How are ya?

Hazama: [Grin] Heeeeeeeeey, Hakumeeeeeeeen! It's been too long, eh, old buddy?

Hakumen: [Angry, but trying to restrain himself from lashing out] What are you plotting Terumi?

Hazama: Me? I'm not plotting anything! I'm just a humble doctor with a heart of gold!

Hakumen: [Growls]

Hazama: See, I'm livin' the good life! I got a job, a steady paycheck, and I get to help the people of Kagutsuchi! I couldn't have asked for a better opportunity to spread my love all over the world!

Hakumen: Forgive me for not finding your lie amusing.

Hazama: Awwww, why do you gotta be such a meanie? Is that any way to treat an old friend?

Hakumen: You're no friend of mine…

Tao: That's not nice at all! Be kind to Doctor Guy! He promised to give Tao food!

Hakumen: He is evil incarnate! How could you be so foolish?

Tao: Incar…inca…what did Masked Person just say…? Is incar…is that some kind of cake…?

Hazama: Hey, cat lady! How about you go in the back? I think the panda woman left some leftover meatbuns!

Tao: Meatbuns! Yay! [Runs off]

Hazama: I figured you wanted some alone time with me. Hehehehehehe! Unfortunately for you, I really don't swing that way!

Hakumen: Shut up.

Hazama: Oh my! Quite a temper! You better watch that attitude of yours, Mister! It's liable to earn you a knife in the gut from yours truly!

Hakumen: Is that a challenge, Terumi?

Hazama: Nononononono, it was just a joke! You know for a fact that I was never good at fighting! Besides, I wouldn't want to ruin these good looks of mine! I also wouldn't want to scuff up that spiffy armor of yours! How's the old shell feel anyhow?

Hakumen: The fragments of your memory that infest it make the experience less than pleasant.

Hazama: That's too bad!

Hakumen: Enough of this nonsense! What is your plot, Terumi? Why are you in the guise of a medical practitioner? Just what exactly are you trying to accomplish?

Hazama: Jeez! Don't you ever speak English? Seriously, you sound like a cheesy superhero!

Hakumen: Answer me, you charlatan!

Hazama: Oh for heaven's sake! Can't you just shut up, hmm? Can't a guy go to school to get an education? Can't a guy make something of himself? Can't a guy turn over a new leaf?

Hakumen: You? Reform? Ha! Don't insult my intelligence!

Hazama: It's all true, my friend! I have dedicated my life to the service of others! I can even birth babies!

Hakumen: The thought of you holding an infant in your arms is sickening! The thought of you actually retrieving a new born from a mother's wo-

Hazama: Too much info! This is a family show! We don't need to be bringing that kind of talk in here! That's what the Internet is for!

Hakumen: …Touché.

Hazama: So, uh, Hakumen? Why're you here again? Are you a patient?

Hakumen: I've come here to deliver justice! It is time that someone put an end to your evil!

Hazama: Evil? Is that what you call it?

Hakumen: I will no longer stand idly by as you corrupt the hearts and minds of the good people of this world! It is my duty to end this blight you've brought upon the Earth!

Hazama: Uh huh…

Hakumen: No longer will children cry, no longer will evil reign, no longer will you destroy innocent lives!

Hazama: Are you done yet? This is kinda boring…

Hakumen: I am the white void. I am the cold steel. I am the just sword. With blade in hand shall I reap the sins of this world, and cleanse it in the fires of destruction! I am Hakumen! The end has-!

Hazama: So who do you prefer, Haku, Pinkie Pie or Rainbow Dash?

Hakumen: [Struck with fear] Ah! What?

Hazama: It's a simple question really! Who do you think is better, Pinkie Pie or Rainbow Dash?

Hakumen: …I have no idea what you're-

Hazama: I'm more of a Fluttershy kinda guy myself! I just love the way she speaks to all those cute little critters! She has the voice of an angel! Ahhhh! I'm melting just thinking about it!

Hakumen: Terumi…what are you-?

Hazama: Although, Pinkie Pie is pretty cute too! I love how carefree she is and how she lives to party! We could go all night long!

Hakumen: [Slowly getting angry] …Stop…stop it…!

Hazama: Rainbow Dash is pretty awesome too! I mean, she can help you be 20% cooler in ten seconds flat! Now that's something!

Hakumen: I'm warning you…!

Hazama: I also like Rarity! She's so lady like! I wish I had a girl like that! She's so sweet, stylish, and she can snap a bone when she needs to!

Hakumen: Stop it!

Hazama: Are you whining, H-man? That's not whining! [In the voice] Thiiiiiis is whiiiiiiiiining!

Hakumen: Shut up! Shut up!

Hazama: I like Applejack too! But she gets awfully friendly with Rainbow sometimes! Something's going on between those two! Am I right, Haku? Huh? Huh? Huh? Huh?

Hakumen: Shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up!

Hazama: And then there's Twilight. She's a little nerdy for my taste, but I guess she's okay. Librarians do have that charm to them! I just wish she'd stop writing those stupid letters! It gets a little old after a while!

Hakumen: You…you…!

Hazama: She's annoying! It's always, "Take a letter! Take a letter! What I learned about friendship is! What I learned about friendship is!" Damn, put a lid on it already!

Hakumen: You…will not…speak about Twilight Sparkle IN SUCH JEST!

Hazama: [Evil grin]

Hakumen: [Gasps]

Hazama: What was that, Hakumen? I didn't quite catch that!

Hakumen: [Turns away and mumbles]

Hazama: Are you familiar with her, Hakumen?

Hakumen: [Slowly becoming more and more nervous] Terumi! Enough of this foolishness! Let us do battle! I-I am the white void!

Hazama: C'mon! Out with it!

Hakumen: I-I-I-I am the just sword!

Hazama: Hakumen? Are you a…?

Hakumen: I AM HAKUMEN! THE END HAS-!

Hazama: You're a Brony aren't you, Haku?

Hakumen: [Falls silent]

Hazama: Hmmmmmmm?

Hakumen: …I do not know what you mean…

Hazama: Oh come now! It's not that bad! You just like a TV show designed for little girls! There's no shame in that! So Hakumen of the Six Heroes likes My Little Pony, so what? So what if you like Applejack and Rainbow Dash fanfics? So what if you watch Doctor Whoof occasionally? So what if your reputation goes down the toilet if anybody heard that you like the show? It doesn't make you any less of a man!

Hakumen: …I…

Hazama: Yeeeeees?

Hakumen: I don't care.

Hazama: Hmm?

Hakumen: [Energetic, kinda like a motivational speech] I don't care what you say! Twilight Sparkle is the most intelligent pony in all of Equestria! She learns about the magic of friendship and she shares it with everyone…no…every-pony in the world! She has the best friends any-pony could ever ask for!

Fluttershy loves animals and she looks out for the wellbeing of others! She is beautiful and kind hearted!

Applejack has a southern style power of will that can never be broken!

Rainbow Dash is the best flier in all of Cloudsdale! She IS gonna join the Wonderbolts someday! I know it!

Rarity is a fashion genius and a generous soul! She puts her friends before anything!

Pinkie Pie is sweet, loving, and she always brings a smile to her friends' faces! She can be a little hyper, but I love her that way!

I don't care what you say! I don't care what the world thinks! I am Hakumen of the Six Heroes! And…I…am…a…BRONY!

[Silence for a while]

Hazama: Wow…that was…uh…that was amazing…

Hakumen: [Breathing heavily]

Hazama: …ly bad!

Hakumen: What did you just say?

Hazama: Hakumen, Hakumen, Hakumen! While I enjoyed your little speech, I gotta say…ponies? Really? Seriously? Ponies? You could've watched Strawberry Shortcake, or Jem and the Holograms, or even Barbie Island Adventure for God's sake…but My Little Pony? Haku! I'm so disappointed in you!

Hakumen: I watch it for the plot!

Hazama: More like you watch for dat flank! Am I right? Are you really looking at their Cutie Marks or do you seem something else you like…?

Hakumen: Don't you taint my ponies!

Hazama: Hahahahahahaha! Listen to you! Oh, this is rich!

Hakumen: Speak all you want! Nothing will ever make me abandon my love for ponies…and nothing will stop me from killing you!

Hazama: You still want to fight?

Hakumen: I will strike you down…in the name of Equestria!

Hazama: [Tries to hold in another laugh] You're killing me here, man! I can't breathe!

Hakumen: DIE!

Hazama: Hey, Tao! Got a second?

Tao: [Pops in] What's up, Doctor Guy?

Hazama: Are you still hungry?

Tao: [Sad] Yeah! Tao's belly needs more food! All of Boobie Lady's meatbuns are gone! Tao ate them all! There's nothing left…! And…and…I'm still hungryyyyyy!

Hazama: Fear not, my feline assistant! I hear that there's a free all-you-can-eat buffet at the zoo!

Hakumen: [Catches on to Hazama's meaning] No…!

Tao: [Happy] Reaaaaaaaaly? What's on the menu? Tao will eat everything up!

Hazama: Why, the main course for the buffet is-!

Hakumen: Don't…you…dare!

Hazama: Ponies!

Hakumen: You bastard…!

Tao: [In awe] Ponies? Tao's never had that before! Is it good?

Hazama: It's the most appetizing food in Kagutsuchi! You can barbeque them, glaze them, and roast them! You can make burgers out of them! Just imagine it: you enjoying all that hot…juicy…succulent…meat! It'll satisfy that hunger of yours for sure, Tao! I guarantee it!

Tao: [Sucks in some drool that dripping down her chin] I…want…

Hazama: Yeah?

Tao: I…want…PONY! [Runs out the door]

Hakumen: You! You vile creature! Nobody shall lay a hand on any subject of Princess Celestia! NOBODY! [Runs after her]

Hazama: Ahahahahaha! Oh, Yuuki you dog you! You did it again! Hahahaha! God, I love my job! Well, now that he's gone, I think it's time I have some **real** fun! To me, my pony!

[Fluttershy comes out from the back]

Hazama: [Hops on her back] Come! We have work to do!

Fluttershy: Oh! How wonderful!

Hazama: Yes! Yes it is!

Noel: [Walks back inside] Hi, Doctor! I just came by to see if Tao wanted to…

[She spots the pony]

WHAT THE? What-What-What in the world is that thing?

Hazama: It's my pony! I bought it yesterday! You like her?

Noel: Um…uh…su-sure…

Hazama: You know what? I'm feeling a song right about now!

Fluttershy: Why don't you sing it with me?

Hazama: Don't mind if I do! Ya!

[Hazama and Fluttershy ride offscreen]

Noel: [Still dismayed] What…what just happened…?

Credits - Hazama singing the MLP theme song


	4. Episode 6: Family Matters

**Here be the latest script for the upcoming episode, matey!**

* * *

><p>Help Me! Doctor Hazama!<p>

Episode 6: Family Matters

Patient: Um...should you really be poking at it like that?

Hazama: Who's the doctor here?

Patient: I really don't think you should be doing that...

Hazama: I'll do whatever I damn well please!

Patient: You're gonna burst a vessel and- (Suddenly in pain) Y'AAAAAAHHHHHHH!

(There are shrill but hilarious sounding cries of pain coming from off-screen. Hazama is operating on a patient right now. He is screaming very odd things. When he is all done, he takes a sigh of relief and chuckles)

Hazama: Whew! Another successful operation!

Patient: (Enraged) What the hell did you do that for? You could've killed me!

Hazama: I put duct tape over your heart, didn't I? That should stop the bleeding!

Patient: What is tape gonna do? I'm bleeding internally!

Hazama: Well, you should have taken better care of your body, mister.

Patient: WHAT? YOU DID THIS TO ME! YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE BEEN POKING AT IT!

Hazama: I'm a doctor, good sir, I think I know what I'm doing.

Patient: That's it! I'm going to have your medical license for this!

Hazama: Pssssh. Good luck with that one.

Patient: You think I'm kidding? I'm dead freaking serious! Where's your phone? I'm calling the police!

Hazama: You don't want to call the police. Here, lemme take you to our Complaint Department. You can file your qualms about my performance right there.

Patient: Good! I will! (Sudden frightened) Hey...why are we going outside? Why is there a hole in the ground right there? Are...are those sharks with fricken laser beams attached to their *heads*? (Make your voice squeak at "heads")

Hazama: Bon voyage, mother #%^*! Whoo-ah!

(Hazama kicks the patient into the pit of despair)

Patient: (Deathly girlish scream)

Hazama: (Enters the frame) Another job well done! Sometimes I even surprise myself by how good I am. I'm friendly with the customers, I finish an operation in ten seconds flat, and I save money on medical supplies by using sub-par office tools. Now that's economics! Hmm. If only Nurse Vermillion and that cat-lady were here to share in my success. Too bad they're away at that furry convention. I just don't get what's so irresistible about pandas. They make good burgers, but still. They were put on earth for eating not cuddling. All this talk of food is making me hungry...I could really go for a boiled egg right now. But I can't exactly leave the clinic with Big Boobs McGee breathing down my neck. I need another assistant...like right now...

Tsubaki: (Enters the clinic) Good morning, Ms. Litchi! I came by to-oh. She's not here.

Hazama: How do I do that? Why, with these powers I have...I could be a superhero! I could protect the innocent, defend the weak, FIGHT FOR WORLD PEACE! But first...!

(Scoots over to Tsubaki)

First Lieutenant Tsubaki Yayoi.

Tsubaki: (Cautious) Cap-Captain Hazama!

Hazama: My, my, my. What's my old subordinate doing in a place like this?

Tsubaki: I-I could ask you the same thing.

Hazama: Didn't you hear? I quit the Intelligence Department. I'm a doctor now, a certified P.H.D. and M.D.!

Tsubaki: Captain Haza-

Hazama: Doctor Hazama.

Tsubaki: Um. Doctor Hazama. Why are you here in Ms. Litchi's clinic?

Hazama: I rent the place out during the evening. I normally have help, but Little Miss Noel and that kaka girl aren't here right now.

Tsubaki: Noel…and Tao? Then what Jin said was true. (Accusing) You really did kidnap them! You're forcing them into slave labor!

Hazama: Isn't that what all jobs are about? And I didn't kidnap those two, as odd as that sounds. They volunteered to be my assistants.

Tsubaki: [Baffled] But why would Noel quit her job at the N.O.L. to work here? I don't understand at all! She had a great job and she had the best boss in the world! Jin always took care of her!

Hazama: Oh I bet he did.

Tsubaki: Tell me. Where are Noel and Tao?

Hazama: They went to some furry convention in Tallahassee.

Tsubaki: [Concerned] Oh dear…I hope Noel doesn't injure another man in a suit. She broke a poor man's uvula last year!

Hazama: How can you break a-?

Tsubaki: You don't want to know…

Hazama: I see.

Tsubaki: Well, Cap-ah-Dr. Hazama…[Determined] I demand to speak with Noel when she returns. I'm not going to move an inch from this clinic until I do!

Hazama: Is that right?

Tsubaki: [Readying herself for battle] She doesn't understand the position she's placed herself in. She hasn't the foggiest idea of what you're capable of! I'm going to do what I should have done a long time ago!

Hazama: You're gonna try and kill me to save her?

Tsubaki: No. [Proudly] I'm going to lecture her!

Hazama: Yeah…sure.

Tsubaki: I'm not going to let you destroy another innocent life! You evil, heartless, monster!

Hazama: You know, I was going to offer you something, but now I don't think I will because you're being a big meanie.

Tsubaki: Hmm? [Slightly curious] What?

Hazama: It's nothing. I'll just go back to writing my medical journals. You stay here and try not to walk into any walls.

Tsubaki: [Offended] I'm not helpless! Just because I'm blind, it doesn't give you the right to-

Hazama: And I was going to give you this shiny nickel if you'd listen to what I had to say. Oh well. You're loss.

Tsubaki: [Gasp] N-N-Nickel…?

Hazama: Yeah, a nice brand new nickel.

Tsubaki: C-Can I hold it for a minute?

Hazama: Hmm? Is the First Lieutenant a coin collector?

Tsubaki: [Takes the nickel. She runs her fingers all around it] This nickel…it's no ordinary coin, is it? The face is different. There are legs…a strong a lean body…and the feet…could they be hooves? [Realizes what she's holding. Trying to contain herself] Is this a…Buffalo Nickel...?

Hazama: Eeyup. I got it a few weeks ago when I went to Texas to troll a silly radio talk show host. Whaddya think of it?

Tsubaki: This coin is worth over $500 here! Maybe even more!

Hazama: Would you like it?

Tsubaki: Wha-? You're just going to give it to me? Thank you so much! I- [Suddenly suspicious] What's the catch?

Hazama: Ohhhh you caught me! I expect nothing less from a First Lieutenant! You see, Dr. Hazama's got the munchies and he needs to satisfy his food hole. I wanna run to the store to buy myself some eggs, but I can't leave the clinic unattended.

Tsubaki: So you want me to watch the clinic for you while you go grocery shopping?

Hazama: You are so smart! I'm proud of you, My Little Tsubaki! But yeah, if you could watch this place for me, that'd be swell.

Tsubaki: I don't think I can-

Hazama: Do me this teensy weensy favor and I'll let you keep the ~nickel~.

Tsubaki: [Announcing] I'll do it! I will protect this clinic with my life! No marauder or evildoer shall pass through these doors!

Hazama: It's a little late for that.

Tsubaki: [Normally] But…I'm doing this just for Phillip, please don't mistake my intentions.

Hazama: Phillip?

Tsubaki: Phillip is the name of my new friend.

Hazama: You mean the nickel?

Tsubaki: [Offended] Don't call him that! Phillip is not a nickel!

Hazama: Okay…I think I'm gonna go now.

Tsubaki: Good…good. [Happily] Phillip and I need to become better acquainted.

Hazama: [Walks away] Sheesh…one wooden nickel and she goes all loopy. And they say I'm the crazy one.

[Later, Tsubaki sits at the desk with the nickel standing upright, talking to it. She is manning the phones as Hazama is away on business. She just changed into her academy uniform to appear more presentable]

Tsubaki: So I just added the ointment and it eventually went away!

[Silence]

Tsubaki: Oh, Phillip! You're such a good listener!

[Phone rings]

Tsubaki: [Picks up] Hello, Dr. Hazama's office?

Prank Caller: [Obnoxious laugh] Hey, is your refrigerator running?

Tsubaki: I suppose…?

Prank Caller: [Almost loses it] Well then, you better go catch it! BAHAHAHAHA!

Tsubaki: That's impossible. Refrigerators can't run!

Prank Caller: Eh, what?

Tsubaki: [Lecturing] It's very simple: you see, refrigerators are inanimate objects. Inanimate objects have no soul; so therefore, they have no essence of life. Secondly, refrigerators have no legs so they have no means in producing kinetic energy.

Prank Caller: You know, lady? You're kinda taking the fun out of this.

Tsubaki: Now do you understand why a refrigerator cannot move?

Prank Caller: Um…you mean like a nickel?

Tsubaki: [Gasp. Enraged] HOW DARE YOU? PHILLIP IS NOT A NICKEL! PHILLIP IS A PERSON JUST LIKE YOU AND ME!

Prank Caller: Who's Phillip?

Tsubaki: You evil demon! Don't discriminate because someone looks a little different than you! I'll have you arrested for your racist remarks!

Prank Caller: Look, lady. I just want to get through this crank call, okay? Do you think you can take the time to appreciate my cleverly devised, and totally original, joke?

Tsubaki: Never! I will make sure that Phillip and I receive punitive damages for your hurtful words! Good day to you, sir!

Prank Caller: Okay, whatever-

Tsubaki: I said GOOD DAY!

[Hangs up]

Tsubaki: [Sighs heavily] Idiot!

[Phone rings]

Tsubaki: Dr. Hazama's office?

Admirer: [Nervous] Um, h-hi.

Tsubaki: Hello. Can I help you?

Admirer: Yeah. I, uh, I just need you listen for a minute. This won't take long.

Tsubaki: [Slightly afraid] Um…who is this?

Admirer: Just a guy…who's gonna…[Gulps]…express someone's true feelings today. You've been watched from afar, uh…and admired every day of your life.

Tsubaki: E-Excuse me…?

Admirer: If I don't get this out, it's gonna be torture. So please…just listen…

Tsubaki: I'm going to hang up.

Admirer: [Starts to sing…badly] If you dance with me…tonight [Sniff]…if you let me hold you tight…

Tsubaki: What in the world?

Admirer: If you dance with me…I'll…[Squeaks]…I'll never let you goooooooo. If you take a chance on me…if you come with you'll see…that this world is nothing…nothing…[tries to hold in the tears]…without you…in my l-life…

Tsubaki: This is kind of creepy…

Admirer: If you come with tonight…you will see just what I…I…if you come into my life…I'll yearn to make you…my..my…Ohhhhh my ladeh…won't you come with me…toni- [Cried loudly and obnoxiously] I love you, Noel! I love you! [Phone hangs up abruptly]

Tsubaki: [Hangs her phone up] What a strange person. I guess Noel must be popular with the boys or something.

[Carl enters the clinic]

Carl: I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you!

Tsubaki: Huh? Carl?

Relius: [Enters after him. Sighs.] Will you please shut your mouth...?

Carl: No! I hate you!

Relius: This is becoming quite bothersome. [Irritated] My boy, if you do not cease this behavior, then I will have no choice but to punish you for your insolence.

Carl: You're not the boss of me!

Relius: Unfortunately, I am your father. So you must do as I say!

Carl: [Blows raspberries at him]

Relius: [Very irritated] Ugh. Wait until your mother hears of this…

Tsubaki: Excuse me? Can I help you?

Relius: Hmm? [Normally] Oh, why hello there, First Lieutenant Yayoi.

Carl: [Very excited] Tsubaki! Hi! How are you?

Tsubaki: [Happily] I'm fine, thank you. And yourself?

Relius: Indoor voice, please, Carl.

Carl: Up yours!

Relius: [Gnashing his teeth] Why you no good…!

Carl: You smell like a bunch of toenails!

Relius: I believe we have already had a discussion about that tone of yours. This is your last warning.

Carl: Come at me, ya big palooka!

Tsubaki: [Gets in-between them] Please, stop fighting! Now, what seems to be the problem here?

Relius: Well, First Lieutenant, you see…

Carl: Go choke on a sausage, ya fruity looking clown!

Relius: [Losing his temper] There is no way…no way…you came from my loins. Oh dear…why didn't I perform interruptus when I had the chance?

Carl: Well, you should have thought about that before you decided to marry Mom, huh?

Relius: [Surprised] That's about the most intelligent thing you've said in your entire life, Carl. I would be proud of you if I was not battling the urge to stomp you into oblivion.

Carl: Bring it on, old man!

Tsubaki: [Desperate] Please, stop it! Violence won't solve anything!

[Hazama enters the clinic with a grocery bag]

Hazama: Honey, I'm home!

Tsubaki: [Relieved] Thank goodness!

Carl: Yo-You!

Relius: [Surprised] Hazama? What brings you to this place? The last time I saw you, you were lying in a bloody heap.

Hazama: Yeah no thanks to you, ya smarmy bastard.

Relius: If only Ragna had finished you off like he was supposed to, we wouldn't have had to suffer that uncouth display.

Tsubaki: Dr. Hazama, these two cannot stop fighting. I don't know what to do! Please, help me!

Relius: [Intrigued] Doctor…Hazama? So you're a medical practitioner now? [Chuckles] How interesting. Please…tell me more…

Hazama: Ugh. Do I really have to give that introduction again? Honestly, I've been doing that song and dance since episode one. I bet everybody's getting sick of that spiel by now. [Sighs] Oh well, what's one more time? [Unfeeling] I'm Dr. Hazama, yadda yadda yadda, P.H.D. and M.D., blah blah blah, problems, blarggity blarg blarg, you get the idea. Are you satisfied now?

Relius: [Disappointed] I suppose.

Carl: I want my Happy Meal, dammit!

Relius: Carl, what have I told you about your language?

Carl: [Sarcastically] Sorry, Pa, I forgot.

Relius: [Annoyed] Don't call me that...

Hazama: So Colonel Relius is having some family issues, huh?

Relius: Unfortunately. If I could go back in time and stop myself from marrying that horse of a woman, I would do it in a heartbeat. Never get married, Hazama. Never get married.

Hazama: Oh I know plenty about marriages, old buddy, believe you me. I helped out a couple a few months ago, come to think of it, but it's a real shame how the husband cheated on his wife with a blob of trash. Right in front of her too!

Relius: Oh? Who is this couple?

Hazama: Our own Kokonoe and that magnet loving freak!

Relius: Kokonoe, huh? [Chuckles] Somehow that doesn't surprise me. But isn't Mr. Tager a wee too gargantuan for her? I don't think a fragile thing like her can handle the Gigantic Tager.

Hazama: Now are you talking about that certain attack he does or…?

Carl: [Whiney] I WANT A HAPPY MEAL!

Tsubaki: [Softly] Carl, you need to stop. You're upsetting your father. [Annoyed] Not to mention annoying me…

Relius: So…what exactly do you specialize in, Hazama? Surely you can right the perils of family crises? It would be appreciated if you could lend me your services.

Hazama: Can do, my friend! Pop a squat in those chairs over there and we can talk all about it!

[Relius and Carl sit at the desk]

Tsubaki: [Stands behind Hazama] Do you really think you can settle this dispute, Doctor?

Hazama: I'm gonna try. Just follow my lead, 'kay?

Tsubaki: [Shocked] Huh? You mean-you want me to help you?

Hazama: Well, duh! I can't do everything by myself! That's what interns are for. [Turns to the Clovers] So what seems to be the problem guys?

Carl: [Whining angrily] Daddy was supposed to take me to McDonald's so I can get a Happy Meal. He promised he'd get me one after school, but now he says he's not going to!

Relius: You were misbehaving. I had to do something.

Carl: What did I do that was so wrong?

Relius: Well for starters, you placed laxatives into a very hefty man's ice cream sundae, you robbed an elderly gentleman of his dentures so you could play woodchuck, and you slapped Mrs. Robinson in the face with a piece of salmon. Should I even mention the water balloons you flung at your school teacher this morning? The contents of those projectiles weren't actually water…now were they…?

Carl: [Playing dumb] I have no idea what you're talking about…

Relius: [Grunts] Of course you don't.

Hazama: Interesting. So Carl, you're mad 'cause you didn't get your stupid tater tots and fries, right?

Carl: It wasn't just that! I wanted the toy that comes with it too! It's an action figure from my favorite TV show!

Relius: It still amazes me how a boy your age watches the Power Puff Girls. If you were my son, you would be watching quality programming such as the History Channel or National Geographic.

Carl: Those channels are booooooring! And I hate that Aliens guy too!

Relius: [Offended] Bite your tongue, you wretched imp! Giorgio Tsoukalos is very knowledgeable about the Ancient Astronaut Theory! His program is not boring!

Carl: [Imitates Relius' last sentence in a mocking tone]

Relius: You little miscreant…!

Tsubaki: Please, you two! Calm down! This is not the way a father and son should be behaving towards each other! [Very warm and caring] Carl…Colonel Relius is your father. You need to show him the respect that he deserves. You know that he loves you and that he cares about you very much. You're his only son. You mean the world to him.

Carl: We-Well…

Tsubaki: And Colonel, I know Carl can be a handful at times. He's a young boy; boys his age can get a little rambunctious some times. It's good to discipline him, but you can't be too harsh on him.

Relius: I can't spare the rod lest I spoil him.

Tsubaki: Have you ever tried communicating your feelings with him in a peaceful and loving tone, instead of inflicting corporal punishment?

Relius: [Thinks about it] You know…I don't think I ever did…

Tsubaki: [With a warm smile] You see? If the two of you just communicate with each other like adults…like father and son…then maybe you can work out your differences without violence. You two can have a chance at living in perfect harmony together.

Relius: Hmm. Perhaps the First Lieutenant is right. [To Carl. Heartfelt] My boy, we need to settle our differences in a mature manner. We should not bicker any longer. I'm…I am very sorry for being so strict towards you.

Carl: [Sniffles] I…I'm sorry too, Dad. I-I love you…

Relius: [Softly] I…I love you too, son.

Tsubaki: Much better. Do you understand, Dr. Hazama? Sometimes it just takes a little love and forgiveness to solve a dispute.

Hazama: Ugh. It makes me wanna throw up.

Relius: Come along, Carl. Let's go get you that Happy Meal.

Carl: YAY!

[Carl runs out the door]

Relius: Thank you, First Lieutenant. That was very noble of you.

Tsubaki: [Blushing] Yo-You're very welcome…Colonel…

Relius: Hazama, I must be on my way now. I wish you the best of luck in this new business endeavor of yours. I will be returning at some point to see how you're faring. Keep the place ship shape, all right?

Hazama: No promises.

Relius: Oh, and before I forget. When the boy and I get home…[Evil chuckle] I'm going to tell him that he's adopted.

Tsubaki: WHAT?

Hazama: KYAHAHAHAHA! That's the stuff! You had me fooled there for a second!

Relius: My dear trickster, I always deliver! Now if you'll excuse me, there is a childhood that I need to ruin some more.

[Relius leaves]

Tsubaki: [Depressed] After all that…after everything I said…

Hazama: You should have known better: Relius is a Grade A jackass. He's incapable of love. Just like me!

Tsubaki: [Whimpers as she tries to hold in her tears]

Hazama: Cheer up, My Little Tsubaki! Whaddya say I go boil us some eggs, hmm? I bet that'll make you feel better!

Tsubaki: Why are people…so sinful…? Why are people here so evil…?

Hazama: Now where did I put those eggs? [Walks off-screen]

Tsubaki: Well…at least now I can go back to my office at the Librarium. I can put this all behind me and pretend like it never happened. Yes, that's what I'll do.

Hazama: Oh and uh, Tsubaki? You're gonna be working here as my assistant from now on. Sound good?

Tsubaki: Wh-What?

Hazama: I could use someone of your talents to aid me in my future antics. We'll do just like we did today: you lift their spirits and I'll make them come crashing down lickety split. I can just imagine all the tears and cries of anguish we'll get from our customers. We'll be one big happy family: you, me, Tao, and Noel! We'll be breaking people's hopes and dreams and trolling to our hearts' content!

Tsubaki: Do-Don't I have a say in this at all?

Hazama: You work for me or I'll tell everybody in Kagutsuchi that you wear Hannah Montana panties to bed.

Tsubaki: [Embarrassed] Bu-Bu-But I don't! I never did!

Hazama: Who are they gonna believe? A crazy blind chick who named her nickel Phillip or a certified birth giver? You tell me!

Tsubaki: [Depressed] I…I…I…oh…[Falls in defeat]

Tsubaki: [Mentally. Sadly] And that's how I became Dr. Hazama's third assistant…

FIN


	5. Episode 7: Rockin' It

**This is a pretty big episode! It's the debut of our second professional VA! Can't wait until the episode's fully completed for you guys!**

* * *

><p>Help Me! Doctor Hazama!<p>

Episode 7: Rockin' It

(The entire clinic rumbles. There is shouting coming from the infirmary. Ms. Litchi Faye-Ling is not having a good day, not in the least!)

Litchi: (Infuriated) This is ridiculous! This is absolutely ridiculous!

Hazama: What's the big deal? You got a new infirmary! What's wrong with it?

Litchi: (Growing angrier by the second. Yelling) What's wrong with it? WHAT'S WRONG WITH IT? There is a specimen growing in the corner of the room, the walls are covered with cheap wallpaper, the floorboards are still jagged, you swept the broken vases under the rug, you replaced the bed with a flimsy hammock, and you framed that embarrassing snapshot of me at the Halloween Party! Ugh...!

(Litchi comes into the main room of the clinic with Hazama. She is even more livid)

Litchi: How can you be so cheap? I thought you said you made enough money to repair my infirmary!

Hazama: I did! I made a grand total of one dollar!

Litchi: How did a dollar afford all of that stuff you bought?

Hazama: It didn't! I stole everything from that old folks home last night!

Litchi: Then where is the dollar? What happened to it?

Hazama: I spend it on a candy bar!

Litchi: (Gritting her teeth. Screaming) You...you...YOU...!

Hazama: U mad?

Litchi: I swear...I swear...I'm going to break every single bone in your body if you don't get that infirmary fixed!

Hazama: But I like my bones!

Litchi: You have until the end of the day to get me enough money to fix that room. If you don't, you're out of here!

Hazama: By the end of the day? I can't raise $1,000,000 worth of new furniture by tonight! That's crazy!

Litchi: Well, you better start making money fast! You have until tonight.

(Litchi leaves the clinic)

Hazama: Damn! How am I gonna get all of that money by tonight? If I don't get it, my dream of becoming a world class doctor is over! I'll never be able to be the spokesman of Gerber Baby Food! I need an idea!

Tao: (Pops in. Excited) Hey, Doctor Guy! I have an idea!

Hazama: Why won't somebody give me an idea?

Tao: Tao has an idea!

Hazama: Lord of the Flies, I need an idea!

Tao: (Descends from the ceiling wearing angel wings. Sings) Doctor Guuuuuuuy! Tao has an ideaaaaaaaaa!

Hazama: (Rips her wings off) Well whaddya waiting for, you miserable vermin? What is it?

Tao: Okay, okay, okay! I got it! It's really easy!

Hazama: Yes?

Tao: It's so easy that we'll be rich! We'll be swimming in food!

Hazama: Yes?

Tao: All we gotta do is...

Hazama: YES?

Tao: (Declares) We need to do some actual work!

Hazama: ...

Tao: ...What?

Hazama: Haha, that's crazy. That's so crazy...that it just might work!

Tao: Reaaaaally?

Hazama: No, not really! Tao, you fail! Now get in your failure corner.

Tao: (Still happy for some odd reason) Okay!

(Noel enters)

Noel: What's going on in here?

Hazama: I'm punishing Tao.

Noel: Again?

Hazama: Uh-huh.

Tao: (Steps out of the corner for a minute) Tao needs to think about what she's done! If she does a good job, Tao will get meatbuns!

Hazama: Yeah...meatbuns, if that's what you wanna call them. Now get back in your corner.

Tao: Kay Kay!

Noel: Um...so, Doctor. I happened to overhear some of your argument with Ms. Litchi. What's the problem?

Hazama: I need to come come up with $1,000,000 by tonight or I lose my practice.

Noel: (Surprised) Seriously? That's awful! (Speaks normally) Although...I did say that we needed to get money for repairs a few episodes ago...

Hazama: Oh wah, wah, wah!

Noel: (Sigh) Well...now that we're in this mess, how are we going to get out of it, Doctor?

Hazama: I dunno. There's gotta be some way we can make all that money. We could play the stock market!

Noel: That's...not a good idea right now...

Hazama: Oh. Ooh! What if we hand out those cool cards to the customers? You know, the ones with the discounts and junk? We can give them a special deal for how many times they come in for a checkup! Five checkups and I birth a baby for free!

Noel: I'm not sure that's gonna work so well...

Hazama: Or! What if you wear...a furry panda costume and dance around outside to attract customers?

Noel: (Excited and her voice squeaks) YOU MEAN I GET TO WEAR A PANDA OUTFIT? OH BOY! (Regains her focus) I mean no. That won't work either.

Hazama: But what if we covered Tao in ranch dressing and-

Noel: What is the matter with you? Don't you have a good idea that can raise money?

Hazama: Uh...nope.

Noel: (Plainly) That's it. We're doomed.

Hazama: Yeah. Better pack your things.

Noel: Because I'm gonna be unemployed once Ms. Litchi kicks us out?

Hazama: No, 'cause I'm gonna sell you to a strange person over the Internet. I gotta make at least a couple bucks off of you.

Noel: (Teary eyed) Doctor...!

(The front door suddenly bursts open. Makoto Nanaya flips into the room. She is very energetic and very happy about something. Her excitement is almost too much to contain)

Makoto: TADAAAAAAAAAAH! Makoto Nanaya! Ready!

Hazama: Who in the...?

Noel: (Notices Makoto. Excited) Ma-Ma-Ma-Ma-Ma-Ma...!

Makoto: Hiya, Noel! Long time no see, huh?

Noel: Ma-Ma-Ma-Ma-Ma-Ma...!

Makoto: Ma...?

Noel: Ma...! Makoto! It's you! You're here! You're here!

Makoto: Yep! Indeed I am!

Noel: (Still excited to see her friend) Wha-What're you doing here, Makoto? I thought you were saving the rainforest!

Makoto: (Confused) ...Who the heck told you that?

Noel: Didn't you say that you wanted to stop global warming?

Makoto: ...Nooooo, I said I was going on a va-ca-tion. How did you get "saving the rainforest" out of that? Anyway, why would I waste my time? The environment's a myth anyway.

Noel: Oh yeah...right...

Makoto: (Inspects the room) This is where you work now, huh? I hear you quit the N.O.L.. Jin's still pretty pissed about that!

Noel: Yeah...well...

Makoto: (Spots Hazama. Suspicious) Captain Hazama? Why is here, Noel? You work for this guy now?

Hazama: I'm not in the Intelligence Department anymore. I'm a certified PHD and MD now!

Makoto: A doctor, huh? What, do you birth babies or something?

Hazama: (Fangirl-esque gasp) Yes I can! And we're having a special today! Five checkups and I birth one for free!

Makoto: (Slightly disturbed) Yeah...no...

Noel: So how come you're here, Makoto?

Makoto: I was just in the neighborhood and I wanted to see how my Noelli was doing! I also wanted to tell you the big news!

Noel: Big news?

Makoto: I'm getting the band back together!

Noel: Whoa! Seriously? You're starting the band again?

Hazama: Band?

Makoto: I am, Noel! We're gonna rock and roll just like we used to!

Hazama: Band...?

Noel: Soooooooo...you're getting Tsubaki and Jin?

Makoto: Well...I'm...kinda having a little trouble with that. Jin's the only one who responded so far. He said he'll help, but I really need Tsubaki to hold us together. I'm planning to stop by her place to see what's up, but still...

Noel: I wish there was something I could do to help you.

Makoto: You can! You can be our lead singer, just like in the old days!

Noel: Wha-Wha-What? I can't do that!

Makoto: Oh, come on! You can be like one of those K-On girls!

Noel: Do you remember the last time I tried to sing for you guys?

[A flashback appears of Noel standing in a burning recording booth]

_Noel: (Insane) Neil Diamond, EAT YOUR HEART OUT! (Laughs maniacally until she falls off of her stool) Wo-Woah!_

[Present day]

Makoto: (Shivers and speaks fearfully) Wait...you're right. I never should have left you alone in the booth with that blowtorch and that can of Red Bull... (Cheerfully once more) But you're great at writing poems, aren't you? You can totally write the band's comeback song!

Noel: I can't write a song!

Makoto: What's the big deal? It's just a bunch of words that rhyme! How hard could that be?

Noel: Remember I wrote that song "Death Metal Panda"?

Makoto: Oh yeah...that one. Well, it wasn't so bad! I mean the chorus could use some fixing...along with the bridge...and the verses...and the...yeah, the thing sucked big time.

Noel: (Whimper)

Makoto: Uh...maybe it isn't such a good idea to have you on board, Noel. Dammit...now what am I gonna do? I barely have a group, and I don't even have a gig to get started!

Hazama: Yeah, that's really depressing, but I think you better get going now. I got work to do here.

Noel: Hey, Doctor! I just had an idea! What if we help Makoto out a little?

Hazama: Heh?

Noel: Yeah! We could help her start small until she gets back on her feet! What if we held a concert for her? We could have it right here in the clinic!

Tao: That's a great idea!

Hazama: What did I tell you about leaving your corner before dinner time? Is Dr. Hazama gonna have to smack a bitch?

Tao: That's only when they don't give up the goods!

Hazama: ...Get back in your corner...

Tao: Kay!

Noel: Please, Doctor! We could sell tickets and donate the money to help Makoto get started!

Makoto: Aw yeah! That would be awesome! (To Hazama) Help me! Dr. Hazama! Please? Please? Please? Pretty pleaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaase?

Hazama: Hmmmmm...

Makoto: Pretty please with an acorn on top?

Hazama: I'm not a squirrel...

Makoto: Pleaaaaase? (Suggestively) I'll let you fondle my tail...

Noel: (Swoons) DON'T MIND IF I DO! (Grabs Makoto's tail and rubs her cheek against it)

Makoto: (Annoyed) I...I wasn't talking to you, Noel...

Hazama: Why do I find this attractive...?

Noel: (In ecstasy) Fluffy...fluffy...

Tao: Tao wants to play with the fluffy!

Hazama: Hmmmm, well...when I think about it, I guess it couldn't hurt to have a small shindig here. I mean, it would be nice to actually have some customers.

Makoto: (Overjoyed) You mean it? That's so coo-!

Hazama: Hold up a minute there, Sandy! There's a catch!

Makoto: (Curious) What kind of catch?

Hazama: I'll have your concert here. I'll sell refreshments and all that garbage to entertain your little guests. But I get to keep all the money 'cause it was my idea.

Makoto: Are you nuts?

Hazama: No, I'm Hazama!

Makoto: I was the one who came up with it! You can't just take somebody's idea and make it your own!

Hazama: Is that right...? Then how did that guy with the Apples get so famous?

Makoto: What... ? Ah...anyway! (Refocusing) You can't take all the money! I need it! How else am I going to make my comeback?

Hazama: I keep the money or you can visit our Complaint Department.

Makoto: Complaint Department? What's that?

Hazama: Here, I'll show you! (Evil smile) Hyahahahahahaha...

Makoto: Onnnnnnnn second thought...maybe you should keep all the money. I can just settle for the crowd's adulation...

Hazama: A wise choice.

Makoto: Well, if there's gonna be a concert tonight, we better get to work! We got a stage to build, a crew to-

Hazama: You mean _you _better get to work. I can't be stuck in here all day! I got a life! Tao, help the furry out, won't you?

Tao: Yay, Tao gets to come out of the corner!

(Hazama leaves)

Makoto: Okay then. (Happy again) Let's get busy everybody! We need to get the word out and we need to set up for tonight! Let's do it!

Tao: Yeah!

Makoto: Uh...Noel? You can let go of me now...

Noel: (Still swooning) Ahhhhhhh...so fluffy...

(Hours later. The girls have set up a makeshift stage in the lobby of the clinic. Makoto is setting up her instruments)

Makoto: That should just about do it.

Tao: Hey, hey! Can Tao do anything else to help? Tao wants to help!

Makoto: Ummm...I could use a drummer...

Tao: Yeah! Tao will drum! Tao drums real good!

Makoto: Can you play the beat to Ride On Shooting Star?

Tao: ...I like to play with turtles.

Makoto: ...Close enough.

Noel: Did you manage to get in contact with Jin and Tsubaki?

Makoto: Jin's gonna come by to play in a few, but Tsubaki's not speaking to me.

Noel: Oh! Did something happen?

Makoto: No, she literally can't talk! It's as if she doesn't have a voice! It's so weird!

[Jump cut to the Ikaruga Ninja holding Tsubaki captive]

Blue: (Heavy sigh) Boss, that's not Rachel Alucard...

Red: I know what I'm doing! Shut up or I'll beat you a second time!

Blue: You didn't beat me! You gave up halfway as soon as the Kardashians came on!

Red: That wedding was important to me!

[Jump cut back to the clinic]

Noel: I wish I could help you somehow...

Makoto: You're already helping, Noel!

Noel: I am?

Makoto: Yeah! You're not torturing anybody with that singing voice of yours!

Noel: (Cry)

Makoto: What? What'd I say?

Hazama: (Outside) Can I let people in already? I can't stay out here with all these losers for too long!

Makoto: Yeah! Just let'em in!

(A horde of people rush into the clinic. There a random assortment of unsavory characters)

Jin: Hmm...this brings back some memories...(With a slight smile) Good times...goooooood times...

Makoto: Yo, Jin! Over here!

(Jin waddles over)

Makoto: Glad you can make it!

Jin: Sorry I couldn't get here sooner. (Creepily) I...I was engaged...in an exhilarating moment of...!

Makoto: (Smiling but creeped out) Hey, I don't care! Why don't you hush up and take lead guitar?

Jin: Just like old times! (Holds his guitar) Hey, Makoto. If you are in need of songs, I have a few poems I wrote last night! These ballads are quite something...

Makoto: ...Are they about Ragna?

Jin: (Defensive) NO!

Makoto: ...

Jin: ...Yes...

Makoto: Yeah. No love songs.

Noel: What are you planning to play you guys?

Makoto: I just came up with a humdinger of a song in honor of my great return! It'll blow the house down!

Hazama: Oh ho, I'll bet...

Tao: Ooh! Ooh! Does Tao get a drum solo?

Jin: You filth! Don't be ridiculous! If anybody is going to have a solo, it will be me!

Makoto: Nobody gets a solo. We all play equally and we share the spotlight. Isn't that what bands are supposed to do? Don't they all get along?

(Silence)

Jin: ...I knew I should have stuck with my own music career after we broke up. Ice Car was the best thing I ever did!

Makoto: You had one hit song and that was it! And Ice Car Baby wasn't that good anyway!

Jin: IT WAS A WORK OF ART, YOU SHEEP BITING ACORN!

Noel: Guys! Calm down! Can't you get through this show without fighting?

Jin: ...I'll do it for the fans...and for Brother...

Makoto: What fans...?

Sol Badguy: Would'ya hurry the hell up already?

Ky: Calm down, Freddie.

Sol Badguy: You be quiet!

Hazama: If I would be so bold, I think you guys better start.

Noel: Oh geez! You're right!

Makoto: But I still need a bass player, and rhythm guitar, and another singer!

Hazama: I'll sing!

Makoto: (Surprised) You will?

Hazama: Why yes! I happen to be a very gifted individual!

Jin: I don't trust him...

Tao: I do!

Jin: (Annoyed) Shut up.

Noel: (Already sees it coming) Oh please, don't!

Hazama: C'mon, Little Miss Noel! This is my destiny! I was born to be a singer! It's what Granny Terumi would have wanted!

Noel: You're gonna ruin everything!

Makoto: Noel, give him a chance! I'm desperate for another singer! I'll take whatever help I can can get! Dr. Hazama, you're up!

Hazama: Hoorayz!

Noel: Oh my goodness...I can't watch...!

(Hazama, Jin, Tao, and Makoto take the stage)

Makoto: Kagutsuchi...ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?

Crowd: Yay...

Makoto: Okay! Tao! Jin! HIT IT!

(The music starts, but Hazama suddenly boots Makoto aside. He starts to sing the Chaccaron Macarron song. Jin and Noel watch him in disgust. Tao greatly enjoys it)

Makoto: What in the...?

Noel: Oh man...!

Jin: What madness is this?

Sol Badguy: You call that singing? Queen plays better than you, jerk-ass!

Hazama: Awww you don't like that? How's this?

(He starts singing Together Forever)

Makoto: No! Not that one!

Tao: It hurts Tao's ears!

Jin: ...I happen to enjoy this song...

Ky: It's not bad...

Hazama: Wow. Tough crowd. How's this last one?

(Hazama now sings Trololololo)

Crowd: (Booing)

Makoto: (Angrily) Get off my stage! You're ruining my comeback!

Noel: I told you he was up to no good!

Makoto: (Sarcastic) Yeah, thanks a lot, Noel!

Sol Badguy: You mean I paid $500 for stupid songs I could have stolen off of YouTube?

Crowd: (Starts screaming louder)

Makoto: Oh sh*t! We're screwed!

Hazama: You mean you're screwed.

Makoto: (Grabs him and starts to lose it) Oh no! If I'm going down, so are you! You messed up my show, and now I'm gonna take you down myself!

Hazama: I'm not not really into squirrels...

Makoto: YOU NO GOOD PIECE OF...!

Litchi: (Barges in. Yelling) What is going...? (Sees the crowd) Oh...my...! My lobby! My pictures! My floor! My vials of incurable diseases! _My bust_...of Elvis Presley! (Screams in frustration at Hazama) WHAT THE HELL HAVE YOU DONE TO MY CLINIC?

Hazama: It was Makoto's idea.

Makoto: WHAT?

Hazama: She knew I was in a financial crisis and wanted to help pay my bill by throwing a concert here. I tried to talk her out of it, but she wouldn't listen to me! (Looks at Makoto. Feigns disgust) How could you ruin this beautiful clinic...? You monster...!

Makoto: I'm gonna kill you...!

Litchi: Makoto... (Having a conniption) Is this true? Was this your idea?

Makoto: (Afraid) Um...haha...! Well, you see...I uh...d'ah! It was Jin's fault!

Jin: (Infuriated) You backstabbing apple-John!

Makoto: He was insane! Out of control! He would have killed me if I didn't put this concert together!

Jin: I would do no such thing!

Makoto: You wanted to sing those mushy songs of yours so badly that you would've killed me if I didn't let you run this! How low is that, Jin?

Jin: They-are-called-ballads! And besides, it was Noel Vermillion's fault!

Noel: Huh?

Jin: (Normally) What? If we're all gonna blame somebody, I naturally blame you.

Noel: You're so mean!

Litchi: I'm gonna wring every single one of your necks!

Sol Badguy: Yeeeeeeeeaaaaah! We're gonna have ourselves a good ol' fashioned Texas cage match! This is so worth 500 bucks! Fight! Fight! Fight! Rip her head off!

Tao: Tao doesn't like cages!

Hazama: (Sighs happily) My work here...is done.

(He leaves the building, as chaos ensues. There are painful grunts coming from the clinic as Makoto, Tao, and Jin are getting thrashed about by Litchi)

(The final screen is the Loony Toons ending screen, complete with music)

Hazama: (Pops up. Does the Porky Pig stuttering)

Makoto: (Pops up too) That's all folks!

FIN


	6. Episode 8: Serious Business

Help Me! Doctor Hazama!

Episode 8: Serious Business

**Prologue**

[Hazama rushes in to the room holding a very special item in his hand. He is absolutely ecstatic]

Hazama: ~Yeah boy! Look what came in the mail today!~

Noel: What is it, Dr. Hazama? Did those X-ray glasses come in yet?

Hazama: Even better! I finally got that egg I ordered off of K-list! I've been waiting two whole weeks for it!

Noel: [Confused] An egg? You bought an egg off of the internet?

Hazama: Yep! It's an egg all the way from Japan. I spent a lot of money on it, but you know how much I love foreign eggs.

Noel: What kind is it? I've never seen one like it before.

Hazama: This right here is a Tenga Egg!

Noel: [Shocked and disturbed] A WHAT?!

Hazama: A Tenga Egg. Geez, don't you hear well?

Noel: Dr. Hazama, that's not the kind of egg you think it is!

Hazama: What the hell are you talking about?

Noel: [Extremely embarrassed] That thing you have there...it's not...uh...I mean...you can't eat it and...um...it's meant for-

Hazama: Whaddya mean I can't eat it? Since when did you become the expert on eggs? I'm the connoisseur here!

Noel: Doctor, it's not meant for eating!

Hazama: What do you know? You're just my Number 1. Now shut up and let me enjoy my egg! I'm about to burst over here!

Noel: Doctor! Please, listen to me!

Hazama: [Runs offscreen] Time to crack this baby open!

[After a few moments of silence, Hazama comes back on screen]

Noel: Doctor...? Are you okay...?

Hazama: How can they do such a thing...? How can they besmirch the name of my favorite food with this...this...thing?!

Noel: [Afraid] Doctor...?

Hazama: [Runs off screen] I'LL KILL'EM! DAMN YOU K-LIST! DAMN YOU! DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!

Noel: Doctor! Come back!

**Opening Theme**

[Hazama is lying down on his bed in the clinic. Noel is sitting beside the bed trying to calm him down]

Noel: Now, repeat after me. Japan is my friend.

Hazama: Japan is my friend.

Noel: Japanese people will not bite me and throw me in the basement.

Hazama: Japanese people will will not bite me and throw me in the basement.

Noel: Now breathe in... [Inhales] ...and breathe out...[Exhales]

Hazama: [Mimics her]

Noel: [Cheerful] Now doesn't that feel much better, Doctor?

Hazama: It's a start.

Noel: You just need to be careful where you buy your eggs from on.

Hazama: Yeah, well, they tricked me. I don't ever want to go to that website again...

[Tsubaki enters the room]

Tsubaki: What's going on in here?

Noel: Dr. Hazama is just mad at an anime website. He bought something he didn't mean to buy.

Tsubaki: [Disgusted] Oh...you're talking about that **thing** I saw in the garbage. Ugh. It's repulsive.

Tao: [Bursts in] I'll say! It didn't even taste that good either! Tao took one bite and she through it away! Blegh!

Tsubaki: [Shocked] You what?!

Hazama: I don't wanna talk about it anymore! [Sighs heavily] Hey, Tsubaki, what's going on? Any messages for me?

Tsubaki: Hmm? Oh, yes. There's somebody on the line for you. He says he's got another package for you that's coming later today. It's a case full of those Tenga eggs.

Hazama: Seriously?! Oh, I'm gonna give those guys a piece of my mind!

[Leaves the room]

Tao: Why is Doctor Guy so upset? It just tasted nasty. Tao doesn't get why he got so mad.

Tsubaki: Tao...there's some things about the internet that you never want to know about.

[In the other room, Hazama is on the phone with the UPS Guy]

Hazama: Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa! What the hell is all this crap I'm hearing about? I didn't order a crate full of that garbage!

UPS Guy: Um, yeah! You totally did. I got da invoice 'n everythin' right hurr.

Hazama: That's a load of bull! Th-There's gotta be some mistake here! I ordered a carton of eggs, real eggs, from that otaku store and all I got was that...thing!

UPS Guy: Don' forget da crate comin' yer way.

Hazama: I didn't order a crate! One carton. ONE CARTON I bought.

UPS Guy: I dunno what to tell ya, man. It's all right hurr.

Hazama: But who in their right mind who spend a thousand dollars on a crate full of that junk?!

UPS Guy: Daaaaaaaa, you.

Hazama: Look, I'm not paying for something that I didn't buy!

UPS Guy: Well, who in da heck is gonna pay for it, then? The company is gonna sue you if you don' pay up.

Hazama: [Thinks for a minute] Put it on Litchi Faye Ling's credit card. I'll send you the information. And I'm really sorry about this whole misunderstanding. Hehehe, women, right?

[Back in the other room with Noel, Tsubaki, and Tao]

Noel: Do you really think Dr. Hazama bought all those sleazy toys, Tsubaki?

Tao: [Very excited] Toys?! What kind of toys?! Tao loves toys!

Tsubaki: We're not talking about your kind of toys, Tao. We're talking about items that only sad, lonely, pathetic little miscreants buy for Valentine's Day because they don't have a significant other.

Tao: [Stares at her blankly]

Tsubaki: [Sighs] You have no idea what I just said, do you?

Tao: Not a clue.

Tsubaki: Never mind...

Hazama: [Runs into the room] Pack your bag, your kit, and your clothes. Let's go.

Noel: Where are we going, Doctor?

Hazama: We're going to get my money back!

Noel: [Frowns] You mean Ms. Litchi's money...?

Hazama: Is money all you care about, Little Miss Noel? What matters is that I get my eggs and my money that I stole from Litchi's underwear drawer.

Noel: Do we seriously have to harass some people when it was _your_ fault to begin with? I mean, didn't you read the product information on the website before you bought the egg?

Hazama: That product page was misleading. It said egg so I, being the innocent customer that I am, bought it under the pretense that it was indeed an egg. And now, we're going to go over there and I'm gonna put my foot up their asses!

Tsubaki: Dr. Hazama, if I may, this seems like the dumbest idea you've come up with since I've started working here. Can't you just accept your mistake and be done with it like a responsible person?

Hazama: Never!

Tsubaki: [Depressed] Oh my...this is going to be a disaster...

Hazama: Now let's get going. If we want to do this the right way, we're gonna need professional help.

Noel: I'll say...

[The trio show up on a door step in a very odd neighborhood in Kagutsuchi. Hazama knocks on the door. Soon, the door opens to reveal a ninja clad in red]

Harvy: [Happily] Oh snap! What's up, Doctor H?

Hazama: Hey, Harvy.

Noel: [Frightened] Oh no! It's that red ninja with the fake French accent! HIDE ME, TSUBAKI! HIDE MEEEEEEE!

Tsubaki: Stand back, Noel! Why, I'm going to beat the stuffing out of this phony Frenchman for stealing my Phillip from me! [Livid] Phillip doesn't belong in a vending machine!

Harvy: Huh? Ohhhhh! You guys mean my step-brother!

Noel: [Confused] Your...step-brother...?

Harvy: Yeah. He was dropped on his head when he was a baby. He thought he was French ever since. Word on the street is that he's trying kill his old boss. It's Orient Town's worst kept secret.

Tsubaki: [Rolling her eyes] I can't imagine why.

Harvy: So what brings you to my neck of the woods, Doc?

Hazama: I need a favor.

Harvy: What kind of favor?

Hazama: **A favor.**

Harvy: [Suspiciously] Oh...well, in that case...come on in.

[They enter Harvy's home. The home turns out to be the old hideout of Bang Shishigami]

Tao: Where has Tao seen this place before? It looks so familiar!

Harvy: This used be the old hideout of Bang Shishigami. I used to roll with him back in the day along with my step-brother, but I left his troupe when the both of them lost their minds. Ever since Bang left, this place has been pretty run down. I decided to take it for myself and spruce it up for me and my army.

Noel: You have an army?

Harvy: [Proudly] When you're a ninja, you _gotta _have your own clan! [Calls out to the left] Yo, Emmy! Jade! Get in here!

[Two green ninja emerge from the left]

Emerald: [Happily] Reporting for duty, sir!

Jade: Whatever...

Tao: [Very excited] Oh my gosh! More giant talking jelly beans! Where do you find these things?! Tao really really wants one!

Noel: [Unimpressed] This is it? This is your army?

Emerald: Hey! We are so an army! We can kick anybody's ass three ways from Sunday, bub!

Jade: Like, every time I look to the sky, I see the sun and yet I feel no warmth...

Noel: [Nervous] Ooooookay then...

Tsubaki: I don't understand how _this _is an army. You're just two people.

Jade: Hey, Ginger.

Tsubaki: [Angry] Excuse me?!

Jade: I wouldn't underestimate us if I were you.

Tsubaki: [Still mad] Oh?

Jade: Here, let me put it to you this way. [Approaches Tsubaki. Speaks very creepily] Do you know what color your guts are...?

Tsubaki: [Afraid] Uh...

Jade: _**I do**_. And do you know that I once strangled a man using his own intestines? There was also that one occasion when I took a blender and stuck some guy's-

Tsubaki: [Backing away slowly] I...think I'll take your word for it...

Emerald: Aw, yeah, Jade! You are so hardcore! I wanna be just like you when I grow up!

Jade: Go eat a dead skunk.

Emerald: [Cutely] Okay!

Harvy: [Serious] So...what's this favor, Doc?

Hazama: I got a problem, Harv. Somebody decided to pull a pretty mean prank on me by giving me a bad egg, and you know how I feel about eggs. Now, that prankster has got to pay.

Harvy: [Still serious] Does this "prankster" got a name?

Hazama: That's just the thing. I dunno who did it, but it's somebody working in the K-list company. I was thinking you could...sort'em out for me?

Tsubaki: [Shocked] Doctor! Are you putting a hit out on an entire company?!

Hazama: [To Tsubaki] I just want them to rough'em up a little. That's all. Just to show these people that I mean business.

Tsubaki: [Speaking to the sky] Why...? Why did I get dragged into this?

Noel: You? What about Tao and me?!

Tao: [Exclaims] I like to play with turtles!

Harvy: They messed with your eggs, huh? [Getting riled up] Well, s! t. Looks like you guys got yourself a fugitive of justice. I say you came to the right place.

Hazama: You think you can help us out?

Harvy: [Getting riled up] Oh, I'll be dead on his ass like Magnum P.I. I'll even feed him his own manhood AND I'll do it in a jiffy! Do you know why?!

Harvy 'Cause I-JUST-DON'T-GIVE-A-F! $!

Emerald: 'Cause I-JUST-DON'T-GIVE-A-F! $!

Jade: 'Cause I-JUST-DON'T-GIVE-A-F! $!

Hazama: Hahahahaha! That's what I like to hear!

Harvy: On one condition. We want a copy of "BlayzBloo: The Comedy Spoof Series" on DVD. I missed the season finale and I wanna know what happens to the fisherman.

Emerald: [Unhappy] Um, I wanted a yo-yo!

Jade: [Disappointed] I wanted a ten-gallon hat...

Hazama: ...How about I get you guys an autographed copy of K-On! The Movie from Cristina Vee?

Harvy: Deal.

Jade: Deal.

Emerald: Deal.

Noel: [Pulls Hazama aside] Um, Doctor? Who in the heck is Cristina Vee?

Hazama: No idea.

[In the dead of night, Jade and Emmy infiltrate the K-list compound. They run up to the front door and start planting special devices]

Emerald: [Stifling her giggling] This is gonna be so cool...!

Jade: We should have gone with something bigger and badder.

Emerald: Harvy said this would be enough. [Chuckling] I can't wait until they get a load of this!

Jade: [Impatient] Can we finish this already? I want to sulk a little more before I go to bed tonight.

Emerald and Jade: [Very horrifyingly] Wait until they feast their eyes! They're gonna be in for a big surprise! Hahahahahahahahahahaha...

[A few days later, Hazama is relaxing back in his room at the clinic]

Hazama: [Waking up from a nap] Ahhhh...that was one good nap I had! I'm so glad I have nothing to worry about anymore. Harvy won't let me down. Everything is going to be just peachy.

Tao: [Rushes in. Proudly] Hey, Doctor Guy! Tao finished scrubbing the dishes, taking out the garbage, and making that statue of you!

Hazama: Does my chin jut enough?

Tao: Uh-huh! It juts real good!

Hazama: Good.

Tao: What can Tao do next?! Tao wants to help out more!

Hazama: Um, well there is that growth that's been gestating in the infirmary. Would you mind taking care of it?

Tao: [Disgusted] Ewww! No way! Tao's not going anywhere near that place! It gives Tao the willies!

Hazama: Yeah you will.

Tao: I won't!

Hazama: You will.

Tao: I won't!

Hazama: You won't.

Tao: I won't!

Hazama: Wha-?!

Tao: [Giggly] Tao got you good, Doctor Guy! Tao knew what you were up to! Luckily, Tao's been watching lots and lots of Loony Toons in her room! Tao really loves that Roadrunner thinga-ma-bobber! Meep meep!

Hazama: That's funny, considering you don't have a TV in your room.

Tao: Tao uses her...**imagination!**

Hazama: Riiiiiight.

Tao: Tao's hungry now. I think I'll go buy some food! Tao's got a hankering for something meaty!

Hazama: Whatever. Just make sure you use Litchi's credit card like I taught you.

Tao: ~Okay!~ [Runs out of the room]

Tsubaki: [Enters the room] Doctor. That red ninja guy just called. He told me to give you a message.

Hazama: And that is?

Tsubaki: He said that "it's finished" and that "you have nothing to worry about anymore."

Hazama: Oh goody! I'm surprised by how fast that guy works!

Tsubaki: There's also somebody in the lobby that wants to speak with you. He says that it's very important.

Hazama: And you told him I was here? My Little Tsubaki, how many times have I told you to dismiss anybody that comes asking for me? I'm a doctor here. I can't waste all my time hearing about people's problems.

Tsubaki: [Frowning] Yeah...well, he's there now.

Hazama: Looks like I'm going to have to dock your pay for this now, huh? [Leaves the room]

Tsubaki: [Sarcastically] Yeah...like I'm going to be upset over losing one penny. [Pulls out Phillip. Lovingly] Pennies mean nothing to me. You're all that matters, Phillip...

Phillip: ...

Tsubaki: [Blushing/giggling happily] Oh, Phillip! You kidder you!

[Hazama walks into the lobby]

Hazama: Alright, where are ya? This better be important.

Billy: [Emerges from the infirmary] My God, man! You call that an infirmary? Why, I have a mind to call the local health inspector and have you shut down if this is how you run a business!

Hazama: _**YOU!**_

Billy: I'm sorry...have we met before...?

Hazama: What's the big idea comin' into my establishment again? You still looking for your grammy? Or are you here to steal another toy from me?

Billy: Um...I have no idea what you're talking about. I never met you before in my life.

Hazama: Yes you did! Remember Christmas last year? You came up with this bogus story about a wrinkly old bat and then you stole my favorite toy!

Billy: I think you're gravely mistaken, sir.

Hazama: Yeah well, I'm on to you, buddy.

Billy: Anyway, I came here to discuss something with a Dr. Hazama. Do you know where I can find him?

Hazama: That's me, bub. Now whaddya want?

Billy: It appears that you seemed to have pulled a prank on me. I don't appreciate it one bit.

Hazama: What prank? What the hell are you talking about?

Billy: Did you or did you not leave three flaming bags of poo on my company's doorstep?

Hazama: What...?

Billy: You heard me. Three flaming bags of Kaka dooky. I demand satisfaction.

Hazama: I didn't leave anything on your company's doorstep. Just who are you anyway?

Billy: My name is Billy Briton and I'm the owner of K-list.

Hazama: Heh?

Billy: My company sells many Japanese memorabilia, including our best selling line of Tenga Eggs.

Hazama: Oh, so you're the jackass who sold me those stupid eggs. You tricked me into buying those when I thought they were real eggs!

Billy: Are you daft? Didn't you read the product information on the website?

Noel: [Walks by. Without emotion] Told ya.

Hazama: Yeah...well...your site lied to me!

Billy: We didn't lie. We clearly said that is wasn't a real egg.

Hazama: You see? That's the thing. Instead of that Tenga nonsense, you should be selling real eggs! You can sell whites, browns, and even jewel encrusted eggs. What gives you the right to sell something so...sick?

Billy: Why are you so hung up on this?

Hazama: **Because eggs are serious business! **Who wants to buy those Tenga things anyway?! That's disgusting!

Billy: Well, Ms. Litchi Faye Ling seems to like them quite a bit. Her credit card got charged this morning for a crate full of eggs. I'm...not sure what to think of that.

Hazama: Litchi is an odd kind of girl, lemme tell you.

Billy: Anyway, that's not the point. You left flaming poo on my company's front step and I want payback.

Hazama: I didn't do it!

Billy: No, you hired somebody!

Hazama: Yeah? And how would you know that?

[Cut to a scene of Emerald and Jade running away from the crime scene, while being taped by a security camera]

Emerald: Oh boy! This is so hardcore! Dr. Hazama is gonna be so happy that we stuck it to these guys for him!

Jade: Go jump in quicksand.

Emerald: Okay!

[Cut back to Hazama and Billy]

Hazama: They got caught on camera?! Well, they can forget about that autographed movie that I wasn't going to give them!

Billy: I demand satisfaction for this.

Hazama: Okay, okay. You got me. Whaddya want?

Billy: I want five hundred thousand in damages.

Hazama: Are you kidding me?! I just spent every last cent I had on a tanning bed that never worked! I couldn't get the refund!

Billy: It looks like I'll see you in court, Doctor. I hope you have a good lawyer.

Hazama: Jeez...I still owe Cochran for getting me out of that shoplifting charge when I tried to steal gloves...if this gets dragged into court, my ass is grass.

Billy: Well?

Hazama: Tell you what, why don't I just be a responsible adult and pay what I owe? I have the money right here in the clinic.

Billy: Now you're talking! So, where's the money?

Hazama: It's right behind you. I got a little nest-egg stashed in the cabinet.

Billy: Really? A nest-egg in a cabinet? [Turns around] Honestly, you're such an amateur when it comes to-

Hazama: [Kicks Billy into the infirmary] GTA MOTHER ! #$er!

Billy: Ooof! What was that for? You sir are a donut! Wait...what in the bloody hell is that thing?! No! Don't come any closer! No! No! No!

[Billy screams in agony as the growth in the infirmary begins to devour him]

Tsubaki: [Rushes into the lobby] What the heck is going on?!

Noel: [Rushes into the lobby] What the heck is going on?!

Hazama: Oh! Uh, hi, girls! Lovely day, isn't it? Ha-ha-ha.

Noel: What's with all that noise?!

Hazama: I'm just, uh, hiring a contractor to finally fix that infirmary. Litchi's been getting on my case about it lately, so I wanted to make sure I got it done as soon as possible.

Tsubaki: It sounds like somebody is dying in there!

Hazama: I told him the room is to die for, and he's seems pretty smitten with it! Man, there's nothing like seeing a good infirmary every now and then! My blood just boils thinking about it! Do you girls wanna see how much my blood is boiling?

Tsubaki: [Rushing out of the room] What's that, Phillip? You need me to polish you again? Coming!

Noel: [Rushing out of the room] I just remembered, I need to find my excuse!

Hazama: Phew...that was a close one.

Tao: [Comes through the door with grocery bags] Doctor Guy! Tao hit the jackpot! That was really nice of Boobie Lady to lend us her plastic thingy!

Hazama: That's really interesting, Tao! Say, could you do me a solid?

Tao: Sure! What'cha need?

Hazama: [Leading her out of the room] I need you to pay a visit to that nice man in the red suit we met yesterday. You see, we had a teensy weensy misunderstanding and I need you hit him a bunch for giving me another illegal action to worry about.

[Billy continues to scream in torment]

FIN


End file.
